test time

the picture you see above:

a) was taken by me (her camera) moments before we fucked like rabbits.

b) is too sexy to actually think about.

c) is of someone far too young for the likes of me to enjoy.

d) should not be viewed if you're home alone. with a free right hand.

if you selected all of the above then you are correct, but unfortunately you're also retarded, as there is no all of the above option.

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lets try something a little harder. the visuals are my bread and butter when it comes to testing. at least i think. the fact that i'm color blind probably only helps me right?. however, i can't see this one to save my life (wait, there is color in teh puzzle below, right?). if you know then please answer in the comments. however, know that if i can't see it myself then its probably a trick question. it has to be. has to. be.

What would be the next picture in this series?

Choose one of the following five:

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on a related subject - shit that just don't seem to be working:

you know when you see this really hot girl when you're walking down the street? you know how there seems to be a new and different and hotter girl every day? you know how when you see her you always have to go up to her and ask her if she'd like to fuck, right then, right there? you know? yeah, well, i've been getting the shut down lately. i can't imagine why.

or

i wish for once i could land ass backwards into a pot of gold instead of face forward into a pile of shit. for once.

dear brad pitt,

yes, yes yes yes yes. it is now ok to date that tomb raider girl. you've been divorced for like 2 weeks now, which in Hollywood time equals about eternity plus 5 years. time to start dating other women that are half your age and just as hot as you think you are.

now, most ladies that meet me probably think "overwhelmingly handsome." i also happen to be absolutely hilarious. and i can't say being creatively wild in the sack doesn't help. BUT. what i don't have is the name brad pitt, which means that there aren't 50 bazillion smokin' ladies out there ready to fuck my brains out simply because my name is brad pitt. your name has +EV, lets start taking advantage of that, yes?

did you forget already that your name is brad pitt? time to do a little name dropping with the ladies around town! for example, this would be all it would take: "hi, my name is brad pitt. brad pitt, hee hee, i even like saying my own name. brad pitt. the brad pitt. that's my name, brad pitt." you see, it doesn't matter what you say, the name alone gives you a license to fuck. and what part of license to fuck are you not understanding? its simple, you walk up to someone young and beautiful and famous and has a name that starts with scarlett and ends with gorgeous. show her your license to fuck card, two minutes later you're laid. you have the card brad, use the damn card.

or wait, hold that fuck just one second. what if the sexiest woman on the planet, the most sexually daring, the badess-ass woman in the world, approaches you? brad, this is ANGELINA FUCKING HOTNESS JOLIE we're talking about. she is just bad, with a capital ass. she is fuck, with a capital now. so what the ass are you waiting for?

explain immediately.


raz

playboy, a review

seriously. if playboy isn’t the best magazine in the world then shoot me now. nothing could be better than seeing a new issue on your doorstep each month. actually, reading it could be better. i don’t know what i did before getting it. actually there has never been a “before,” i’ve always had it. my playboy review:

pictorials – yeah, the women are hot, usually. the "other" pictorials each month? eh, so-so. they’re usually semi-famous babes that we were interested in 10 years ago and are now just hard-up for cash. that or they’re the latest survivor contestant that just got kicked off – speaking of which, i’m still waiting for amber (winner of survivor all-star) to do a pictorial. i guess i shouldn’t hope too much since she’s loaded already - and soon to be more fully loaded when she wins the amazing race.

the features - year in music, year in cinema, the recent push on poker (a full house, david williams). the recent "stolen screams" - edward munch. "sucker with the money" - howard hughes. 2-3 of the 4-5 features deserve a full read.

the playboy forum – somebody that reads this every month please tell me if this is any good. i’ve never had the desire to read any of it and i can’t figure out why. not once have i read it, and i especially won’t read it now that they went from paper to glossy with the pages.

the playboy advisor – i like to spend quite a bit of time studying the sex questions from readers because i have sex so much myself. that or i don’t ever have sex and the issues they talk about baffle me. you decide.

playboy fiction – in general i’m not a fan of most of the new fiction that playboy likes to publish. there have been exceptions though, most notably the new fiction pieces by chuck palahniuk and T.C. Boyle.

playboy fashion – yes i like the nice cars they write about, yes i wish i could afford a new bathing suit that they preview, yes the new technology is interesting to read about, but no, i can’t afford any of it.

playboy interview – far and away the best section each month. always have someone interesting. howard dean, quentin tarrantino, jim carrey, nicole kidman. very simple. very straighforward. simply great.

20 questions – very good, but always leaving you wanting more. i like how they can pick people that are on the verge of becoming famous. usually very cool pictures.

playboy party jokes – some of them are very funny each month, a couple are usually old.

cartoons: favorite is the one before each pictorial, though i can never read your name the way you sign it. most of the others are fairly good.

best playmate of the month pictorial goes to: nichole van croft, tiffany taylor, brooke berry (before she died her hair), and of course karen mcdougal
best playmate of the year: close tie, heather kozar 1999 and karen mcdougal 1998
best playmate of the month that i’ve slept with: stephanie glasson, july 2004
best playmate of the month that i wish i’ve slept with: tiffany taylor
best pictorial: sherilyn fenn (audrey horn from twin peaks) december 1990
best survivor pictorial: duo pictorial of jenna and heidi
most interesting playmate pictorial: karen mcdougal pmoy 1998 issue
simply classic playmate: carol imhof, December 1970. unbelievable.

best interview: jack nicholson in January 2004
too much playboy exposure: pamela anderson (11 playboy covers)
best all around issue: 50th anniversary jan 2004 or december 2001 issue
best 20 questions given to: bill murray (2nd goes to james caan)
best new fiction: guts by chuck palahniuk
best advertisement in an issue: new mini cooper (centerfold-like ad), absolute centerfold, absolute envy and all the “happy anniversary advisements in January 2004 issue, tanqueray ad – distinctive since
best playboy cover: fuck, i can't do this one. far too many close calls.

never been a fan of: sex in cinema issues, football/basketball and baseball preview features each year

always been a major fan of: gala xmas issue, pmoy issue, and the hidden rabbit on each and every cover

biggest part of magazine that i don’t agree with: movie ratings
departments of each issue that i like: raw data, playboy advisor & 20 questions
number of playboy issues i’ve had my name mentioned in: 2
number of playboy issues that playmates have talked about me in (i can tell its me they’re talking about): 8
number of playboy issues i own: stacks
first playboy that i ever saw: november 1990 with teri copley
first playboy that i owned (i stole it): july 1988 with cindy crawford
first playboy that i bought: december 1997 with my favorite, karen mcdougal

opinion of overall cover design: need to go more simple, like from late 80’s and early 90’s. too much print on cover.

celebrities that have attended way too many mansion parties and had their picture taken: kevin spacey, rick fox, jesse jackson, matt lauer, mini me, jim carrey, nicholas cage, entire male cast of that 70’s show, derek jeter, jonney depp, edward norton, george clooney, leo dicaprio, tobey maguire, kevin costner and the list goes on. (um, i might just be jealous).

what i’m waiting for next month: matt damon interview, MORE NEW FUCKING INCREDIBLY AWESOME FICTION BY CHUCK THE PALAHNIUK, AGAIN! (4 and counting)

pictorial that i’m waiting for: amber from survivor all-stars

year that i’ll stop subscribing to playboy: never

next time on razyboy.com: something, reviewed.