file under “R” for really retarded

will google ever release something that doesn’t stay in beta stage for like a million years? isn’t it time for gmail 1.0? its been out for years already. or at least months. and seriously, they can make it available to everyone now, no need for the special secret invites. everyone who wants one has one, everyone who wants one and doesn’t have one is, is, something. i now have 73 invites i can send. that means one of two things, though probably both: i have no friends or google has gone a bit too far with a good idea.

now lets talk about google maps: oops, google maps BETA. one visit to maps and you quickly realize how much better it is than yahoo maps or mapquest. the google beta release makes it look like yahoo and mapquest didn’t even try. you know yahoo and mapquest (especially) were like “oh well that pretty much fucks us right up the ass” as soon as they saw the google release. but for real, i know its just a beta release, but can they get rid of all those example searches, please? who the hell cares about kansas city? it isn’t even in kansas, which is my main problem with using it as an example. “hmm, lets name this place kansas city, put it in missouri, and better yet – right on the missouri/kansas boarder. yeah i guess that would make sense, right?” use a city that isn’t retarded, please. at least pick some interesting destination examples. but it does make me wonder whatever the hell could be at 10 market street san fran.

the other beta product, i mean google product that could not be any more wow – google desktop search. wait, its out of beta! oh google, you’re even funny about it.

waiting for: the google internet browser, beta style of course. though i’ll feel bad for these guys. man, i’m conflicted here. firefox is obviously the best browser currently available, and they’ve got such a good thing going, but if google releases a browser you know firefox won’t stand a chance.

google, the next microsoft, only people like you.

everything easy. everything free. everything incredibly cool. oh google.

anyfuck, on to the less important:

apparently there IS something that would suck harder than a blow job from paris hilton. should i be getting worried about arrested development? what is all this talk about how arrested development is NOT being cancelled? if its not being cancelled then why get worried about it, right? either way, this should give us some concrete insight.

if you think trying to get your message across via caps is stupid THEN YOU ARE STUPID, STUPID! “you know what’s stupid?, you, stupid”

mmm, daniel day-lewis and catherine keener. heaven.

is it weird to feel so happy for someone you’ve never met? again, tony has the best blogdamn site ever, and here he is getting all famous, as usual, and by the designers of his blog no less.

and, in case you forgot: you are definitely gay if you haven’t listened to kings of leon yet. “dear josh, we came by to fuck you, but you weren’t here. therefore, you are gay.”

don’t even think about clicking this unless you have the next 4 hours free. if they had the category “bloggers who read read their own blog way more than they should, like they can’t stop kind of crazy” then i’m sure i would have won. hmm, not sure if that would have been good or bad.

just realized and fascinated by: nothing in the world has a 100% chance of happening. amazing.

one thing for sure:

next time on razyboy.com: a connection, missed

whole hell of a lot

the stakes i play poker at are low. not the lowest, but they’re low for sure.

how low? -

i found myself playing hold’em at foxwoods yesterday or yesteryear, it might be 2am. i’ve just been transferred to a new table, we’re playing 8 handed. i’m a fan of getting transferred to this area of the poker room, its the high limit section and that means i can look around and see stacks of black chips that i’ll probably never be able to own myself. its fun to look at other tables around you and see pots in the thousands being pushed around. so for some reason they’ve decided to throw our $4/$8 table in the middle of the $50/$100 and $100/$200 section. we get a few rude comments as everyone finds their seat at our new table – “what the hell do they have you guys playing down here for?” & “you guys playing 2/4?, give me a break.” - the high limit players don’t like the low limit players around them, mainly because we can’t stop staring at them and what they’re playing, it makes them nervous i guess. but we’re there and we just want to play some cards.

the table i’m playing at: everyone has anywhere from $40 to $400 in chips sitting in front of them. our biggest pot size will be $150 or so. average pot size will be somewhere around $30-$60. we’re not seeing any crazy action, but the table isn’t that bad, definitely worth playing at.

then i take a better look at the table just 4 feet to my left. they seem to be playing with chips that i’ve never seen before, which can only mean one thing – they’re worth a hell of a lot. worth a hell of a lot as in each chip is worth 1 grand, 5 grand, or 10 grand each, that kind of hell of a lot. there are also a hell of a lot of chips on the table, a hell of a lot as in more than our entire 8 person table, and they only have 3 players. after many glances i can estimate the value of the table: there is at least 1.6 million dollars on the table. i said ON THE TABLE. 3 people, 1.6 million dollars. now i notice the 3 security guards sort of wandering around our area. now i notice that someone has brought them dinner, and not the kind of dinner normal people can order at the poker table. they’ve got bbq ribs, and lots of them. they’ve got chinese food, mountains of it. they’ve got steaks, 4 of them. and they’ve got onion rings, which nobody touched. and this is just for 3 people, well, maybe their girlfriends as well whom i just noticed are sitting behind them. i also notice that one of them is getting a massage while he’s playing. again, one of these poker players is getting a goddamn massage while playing cards and eating dinner. 45 minutes later he’s still getting the massage. an hour later i see him dig in his pocket to pay the masseuse, he pays the masseuse $50, or, 50 times less than one single chip that he’s playing with, of which he bets hundreds of each hour. where he even found such a low denomination chip is beyond me.

their chips are worth 500 – 12,500 times as much as each chip we’re playing with.

they’ve got $1,598,500.00 more chips in play at their table.

we’ve got about 750 chips on our table. 800,000 of the chips we’re playing with would equal the amount of money they’ve got on the table.

the lowest denomination chip at their table is almost equal to all the chips at our table.

the highest denomination chip at their table is worth about 25 times as much as all the chips on our table.

each pot won at their table is enough to buy a small house, or an extremely nice car.

each pot won at our table is enough to buy a pair of shoes, maybe.

its rumored that one of them lost over a million dollars so far.

its rumored that one of them placed a $250,000 side bet on one hand.

tomorrow these pros will be playing in a tournament that pays just $2.5 million for 1st place (see impossible to win/barely worth it if you do). so you think these guys have any idea how much money they’re dealing with? do they have any concept?

i asked our dealer.

i asked her if she had dealt cards to poker superstars like them before: “yeah, in fact i did earlier tonight. they suck at tipping, let me tell you.” (as she looks behind her to make sure they didn’t hear that). “the problem is that they play with such high denomination chips. they know enough that throwing a thousand dollar chip as a tip is just too much, but they don’t have chips that are worth any less than that, so what are they going to tip with? nothing, that’s what. when i was done dealing my last rotation they gave me all the chips they were using to count the games. ten chips, ten dollars in white (white chips being the cheapest chips in the casino at $1 each). ten dollars. i was pushing pots that were in the hundreds of thousands and they give me $10. so you guys usually tip me $1-$2 a hand on each $30-$100 pot, right? they tip $10 after 20 $50,000+ pots. so essentially you guys tip more than they tip to begin with, not even considering the fact that they’re playing at levels hundreds of times higher than you guys. crazy, huh? i don’t know, its a trade-off i guess, cause how often am i going to be able to deal to phil ivey, howard lederer and jesus Ferguson? probably never again.”

hours later i look back and see the game is breaking up. the players have enlisted their girlfriends to carry the chips for them, nice. you know how sweet it would be to have one of those $1k or $25k chips tossed to me, like what was just done to some girlfriend of theirs? obviously she was flustered by the move because seconds later she drops half a rack of $1k chips all over the table and floor. 50k worth of chips, dropped, spilled, rolling around on the floor, nice. too bad we were in a casino where every camera within eyeshot is focused on this table - nobody makes a move for the chips on the floor. and what would we do with one of those chips anyway? if we went to cash in a $1k or $25k chip we’d just get laughed at, no way those chips get used by anyone other than a handful of well known professionals.

when our dealer leaves we all fork over some $1 chips, totaling $11 – at least we could beat those pros monetarily at one aspect of the game.

now its 4am in the morning, nothing else to do but keep playing.

next time on razyboy.com - playboy, a review.

you enjoy myself

you think you’re so subtle……..you’re not

you think you’re so hot………you are

you think i don’t know what you’re doing………i do

you may think i don’t appreciate you’re flirting………i do

but. i love my girlfriend, so run away now.

--------------------------

in an attempt to learn something interesting, fill my spare time with something productive, and prove to myself that i’m most definitely not retarded, i sign up for an introduction to archeology class.

so do you.

for the ENTIRE first 10 minutes of the semester i was able to follow along with the professor and learn. but once he was done explaining the syllabus my brain shut down and i started to daydream.

until.

until you walk into the first class of the semester a good 20 minutes late. nice move genius. you plop yourself down in a seat right next to mine. let me explain something, there are 13 people in the class and 80 available seats, its like a goddamn stadium in here. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BE ANY CLOSER THAN 3 SEATS FROM THE NEXT STUDENT. DOING OTHERWISE WOULD BE CONSIDERED JUST PLAIN ODD, SO WHAT THE ASS ARE YOU DOING NEXT TO ME?

but it takes me about 2 seconds to realize that this may be a blessing. turns out you are gorgeous beyond words. you are my lohan come true.

so, as the class listened attentively and focused on a discussion about calcium carbonate precipitate, i was busy thinking of ways to get both my mind and my eyes off of your smokin’ bod.

not possible.

and.

you’re well versed in the ways of war. the war that beautiful women fight against the senses of man. you deny me at each attempt to avert my eyes, my body, my sense of smell. case in point:

i sit up straight and focus my eyes on the new powerpoint slide; you start to rub the top portion of your collarbone with your hand, underneath your ALREADY HALF-OPEN BLOUSE. the new powerpoint slide now has no relevance to me, as i can only think about how not to start moaning in excitement while staring down your blouse at your heavenly breasts. OH GOD WOMAN. you have now completely aroused me sexually. in class. thanks.

or.

i cock my head towards the clock on the wall and stare at it for about ten seconds. your response is to lean over and whisper in my ear “what are you doing after class?” which, really isn’t such a troubling question. UNFUCKINGLESS. and let me be very clear in asking: is there really a need to you use your SWEET SMELLING & WARM BREATH, ALONG WITH YOUR SEXY & THROATY VOICE WHEN YOU ASK ME THIS? when anything to do with warm, sexy, sweet or throaty lands on my ears i tend to get insanely aroused. you will visually notice the following taking place: i will sink or melt into a puddle on my seat. i will stop breathing completely. and i will make an exaggerated swallowing/gulping sound without even knowing. you have now completely aroused me sexually. in class. thanks.

or.

when i attempt to take notes during the lecture you enjoy: making adjustments. this may sound innocent enough, but its not, oh no. each time you re-cross your legs? each time you lean back and adjust your hair with both hands? each time you bend over to grab a new pen out of your bag allowing me to see your dead-sexy blue embroidered satin victoria’s secret bra? each time. with each time you do this i’m temporarily distracted and must visually confirm what your readjusted HOT self looks like. my eyes must make contact with your movement, be it however small. you have now completely aroused me sexually. in class. thanks.

or, after class.

when you follow me out of class, talking. not good. not good because my girlfriend sometimes likes to meet me after class. for some reason she doesn’t like a lohan look-alike talking and laughing with her boyfriend while in her presence. gee, i can’t figure out why? and, as it turns out, gorgeous and flirty women touching and giving me attention while walking out of class leaves me with only one thing for certain: i’ll be sleeping on the couch for the next 2 nights minimum. oh, and for some reason she doesn’t like it when you ask her what her name is, FOR THE TENTH GODDAMN TIME.

or, in the library while i’m studying.

how funny to see you here! you don’t remember what i said to you yesterday do you?! no! of course not! i’ll remind you! MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND IS COMING IN LIKE 1 MINUTE TO STUDY WITH ME! this means that all drop dead gorgeous women other than my girlfriend should not be in my presence for the next 2 hours. especially women that are wearing short skirts, have perfectly tanned skin, and have breasts that beg for eyes. but wait! it means even more! it also means that you should not “just ask me a quick question for a sec.” and still more! it CERTAINFUCKINGLY does not mean you should be VERY CLOSE to me asking me what stratified random sampling means. because, when you lean in close while listening to my whispered answer then no doubt my girlfriend will be walking towards us, thinking that i’m actually giving you directions to our apartment so that i can screw you completely whenever she’s not there.

we both know you’re extremely hot. we both know that i can’t keep my eyes off you. but, i think we can both agree that i’ve done a pretty good job keeping my hands off of that heavenly body of yours this semester. unfortunately my girlfriend doesn’t appreciate the fact that i’ve resisted such temptation so well, and for so long. thus, she is going to dump me if you keep it up. the next time we walk out of class and you’re laughing and touching my shoulder? dumped. sad, but true. so please do me a favor, please just run away now. you’ve had your fun, i’ve gotten plenty of the evil eye from my girlfriend, lets just leave it at that. the day i decide to grab you during a lecture to have wild sex on the classroom floor is coming too close for comfort.

next time on razyboy.com - so much more, of nothing.