this is one of those clever titles

the rumor mill: disney is thinking of switching out lilo for someone with a smaller chest. you know, for that movie with that hot underage chick that has the incredible rack. you know, the movie where she’ll be wearing a tight fitting LEATHER racing suit. its called lohan: fully loaded, or something of the like. she’s fully loaded, that’s for sure. if they decide to still use her but digitally reduce her heavenly rack then please go ahead and kill me.

for this you can quote me, and send me royalty checks or something cause you know i’m gonna be the first to say it and that i’m right: topher grace will become the best actor ever. best. ever. watch in good company tonight and tell me i’m wrong. i didn’t think so. see? you know when you watch a movie and the whole time you’re thinking about how kick-ass it is for a certain actor to be playing the part? oh topher. i'm so glad they didn't go with asston kutcher, which they almost did. wow, they def threw topher into the right role. he’s just so funny and quirky and regular and when he? yeah, he’s pretty awesome.

on a related subject: turns out that i am in fact the last man standing in line. the uh, the line of not knowing how drop dead gorgous scarlet johansson is. yeah that line.

a good valentines day: when natalie portman shows up at your door. i guess i should say that she came in magazine form, but still, she showed up at my door. and that just rocks my world. hold that thought, it might rock UNLESS you’ve only jacked off skimmed through it once before finding it drenched in red wine the next morning because your roommate had some crazy drunken wine glass breaking valentines sex on/around the couch/coffee table.

some deeply sad news: turns out i won’t be sleeping with jessica alba anytime soon. shit. no longer sleeping around, honestly, what are the chances? – i was gonna call her tomorrow!

some deeply exciting news: CATHERINE KEENER WILL BE IN A MOVIE DUE OUT THIS YEAR! and when i use caps it means i'm in orgasm state. but seriously, i saw her in a preview this past weekend. at least i think it was her. i hope i didn't just imagine it. can she at least let us know why she took like 10 years off? are you really allowed to take so much time off when you're so cool?

its gettin hot in here: no really, it always gets hot in my office at 1pm.

yes, in fact there are some hot babes on the new survivor: but there are more hot guys than gals, i’ll say that much. AND WHAT THE ASS IS UP WITH THAT? HUH PROBST? true, last season the hot women outweighed the hot guys, but christ, its like this survivor is all 22 year old muscly, tanned, nevermind - i’m not good at describing hot guys. no, there are no shepherdresses this season, or previous playmates (ami cusack*), but they stuck with bringing on yet another “barista.” christ, enough with the barista’s. if that’s all you have to do to get on suvivor then just kick me towards the nearest starfucks. anyway, i’ve got a fav list already for sole survivor: stephanie or kim or tom or ian or bobby jon. yes, you read correctly, bobby jon is his name, and somehow i want him to win.

*it should be noted that ami was all of the above – she was a model, a barista, a playmate, and maybe even a farmer. lets have a moment of silence for goddess. i mean ami.

next time on razyboy.com - more of nothing.

letter to amazon.com

i recently sent two letters to amazon.com customer service. one got right to the point, and was very weak. the other letter rambled and was perhaps a bit more critical. i've posted the more critical version:

letter to customer service 2/8/05

re: amazonprime

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dear amazon.com

so, i kind of like you. maybe even love you. usually.

i give you lots of money all the time. mainly for books. this is because i love you.

your site is easy to navigate. you make suggestions on what i might like based on what i’ve bought or i’m searching for. you have 1-click ordering. you have that sweet wish list feature that allows me to look at what i want but can’t afford. you have the search option for other peoples wish lists. you have that most wished for items link, which is nice to look through for xmas or bday presents. you have the gold box, wait, do you still have the gold box? you have the search inside the book feature (which sounds cooler than it is, usually). you have nickel trivia, or at least used to and still should. you have A9 web searching, something i’ve forgotten to use regularly. you sell everything one could want, basically – and on the cheap.

to top it all off you now have “all you can eat” express shipping - amazonprime. a very interesting, unique, and original way to handle shipping and handling, i must say. now i can get books and shit the next day for just $4! sweet! that means i’ll order more products more often, for sure! no more waiting 5-10 days!

now, the name, amazonprime. sucks. retarded. gives me no frame of reference. i now know what it is, yet i still can’t associate it with shipping. the name means nothing to me. not to mention it just looks ugly as all hell. didn’t you do some research on different names before deciding on prime? did you run it by a few people? i guess not? i don’t know, amazonexpress sounds pretty good to me, and that only took me 2 seconds to create.



worse yet: the banner ad thingy you have on your homepage today? blows. ugly. looks nothing like amazon. awful colors (blue, orange, and green do not belong together - i’m colorblind yet i know this), awful font, awful placement (don’t you usually introduce new ideas/items in the top left corner?), and could you have made the trademark symbol any bigger?

please rethink the name amazonprime and consider designing a new banner, come up with some funny explanation for the sudden change. let your customers vote for a new name when they check-out or something. maybe have jeff write another letter to appear before the homepage explaining the mistake, but in a funny way. actually, i’ll write the letter for you, just ask. if you want just use my amazonexpress idea, i don’t mind.

helping you.......help yourself,

raz

apartment # 5

i'll give you something real and juicy, for fucks sake

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so i’m sort of dating this girl i met through a friend and we’ve been seeing each other for about a month now.

her name is mesopretty (not her actual name). she was this girl that my friend knew from the college days. he saw her at a wedding they were both at (who has an xmas wedding?). they talked a bit, they hadn’t seen each other in like 3 years. so he finally gets around to telling her she should totally meet me (he has a girlfriend). and i don’t know what he said because i wasn’t there and she still won’t tell me. but it must have been something really good because like 2 days after he gets back from the wedding i get this email from her:

Dear Raz,

My name is mesopretty. you definitely don’t know me but i do know a friend of yours that i saw at a wedding this past weekend. i don’t know if he’s told you about me yet but he was convinced that we would be perfect for each other. now i don’t normally go out on such a limb, but since he is a friend of both of ours, and you sounded so nice, and i am moving close to boston next month (providence), i thought what the hell.

so maybe you’re just as crazy as i am and want to give this a try. no worries if you don’t want to though, i would fully understand.

give me a call if you’re interested – xxx-xxx-xxxx

mesopretty

yeah so i emailed her back before calling her (i’m not a phone person). i also immediately called my friend to ask him what was up:

friend: she actually wrote to you?
me: what is that suppose to mean?
friend: oh, nothing
me: no come on man, it sounds like you’re smiling
friend: oh, well i don’t know. i told her the truth about you really, no kidding
me: the frig did you do that for?
friend: nevermind dude, so you want me to tell you about her or what?

so he convinced me that it would be alright, as all friends do when they’re trying to set you up with someone. and i guess it did go alright. we met the next week when she came down to look for an apartment in providence. that was the date actually. i convinced her that it would be an interesting date and that i had a lot of experience in apartment hunting.

so i’m getting to somethign real and juicy, i promise.

she picks me up in cambridge and we drive like the wind down to prov. and i mean it, she drives like she owns the batmobile. i told her immediately that she drove like a maniac. she just laughed and drove faster. she was that crazy.

its like 11am in the morning, and i know prov a little bit so i suggest this place to get a quick sandwich before we start the looking. so we eat and both start to make phone calls to these different apartments she has circled.

so i don’t get off track anymore just assume that we get along pretty well for just meeting each other.

by 3pm we’ve looked at 4 different places, mostly up on that hill and sort of near brown, the nice area of town.

but apartment number 5.

number 5 is the crazy one. crazy crazy crazy. i had called the landlord about this one and he had said that he wouldn’t be around to show it but he would leave it unlocked. sounds cool to us, we just head right in like we own the place or something. it was a studio on the very top of a triple decker, but not the same kind of triple decker they have in boston, this one was like the size of like two triple deckers in boston. talk about a cool place, it used to be an attic, and a very big one. the roof went down to the floor on both sides, but there was still a hell of a lot of space. it would be like living in an a-frame house. one skylight, but on either end are these huge triangle windows that are like huge! the only thing in the entire place is this old dog bed like thing in the corner. the only reason i mention it is because it will come into play later.

right, so mesopretty is really excited now. she really digs the place and is talking out loud about what to do, and how she would put her bed right about there, and how maybe she could put a couch right in front of the window that overlooks the street and kind of angle it like this or maybe like that.

and i’m losing interest fast here, let me tell you. don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for her and i think the place is great. i’m just glad we found something and can’t we now just leave already. but i don’t show her or tell her i’m thinking this. instead i smile at her as she bounces around the place throwing ideas at me left and right. bouncing is def the right word, she was not walking around, she was kind of bounding from here to there. so during one of these bounds as i’m smiling at her she kind of like lands in my arms and says “yeah! i’m so excited thank you so much for helping” only this is what i think she said because i can’t think straight when there's a pretty girl in my arms, especially when it happens so all of a sudden. well she didn’t have much to say because pretty soon she was just looking at me and we both felt a little awkward because we kind of remembered how little we knew each other, and we couldn’t figure out why she was telling me her excitement at such close interval. yet there we were, holding each other, being awkward.

i didn’t want the awkwardish silence to last much longer so i just kissed her. better that than just standing and being awkward. so we’re kissing, and we keep kissing. we kiss some more, then we kiss even more. now we’ve kissed for like 10 minutes. things are getting pretty good now, we’ve really got something going if you know what i mean. as soon as i start thinking this she just pulls off her shirt, just like that. then she goes right back into it with me. not to be outdone i do the same thing. now we’re kissing with our shirts off, and there is definite flesh on flesh action going on here, which gets us going even more. we sort of keep kissing, though both of us are trying to get a better look at that dog bed over there in the corner. she keeps on turning me around and moving me closer to it to grab a glimpse at the possibility. i do the same and eventually we’re standing right in front of it. neither of us knows what to do though, so we just keep on kissing while standing right in front of it. we can tell now that it isn’t in the best condition, as in it has a thousand hairs on it, and from what looks to be a very shaggy dog. moments later she stops and says “well its got to be better than doing it on the hard wood floor, right?” she had a very good point. both of us knew the moment could be lost at a time like this, so we went right back at it even harder than before. pants were thrown down on the dog bed to provide some coverage, and we both didn’t hesitate after that. whichever one of us was on the bottom kind of had to do everything with their head elevated off the bed, no way were we getting that shit near our hair or noses. eventually we realized that doggy style was our best option, and we had quite a laugh over the irony of the situation.

we opted out of the lying on our backs relaxing and talking after everything was said and done, or rather just done. we decided it was a better idea to stand up and wipe the hair off our bodies. nothing quite like being sweaty and covered in old smelly dog hair from head to toe. we had a good laugh though and decided she better call the landlord and tell him she wanted to place.

so that’s how i started seeing mesopretty. i have to thank my friend who set us up because if it wasn’t for him none of this would have happened. it makes for an interesting story for us to look back and laugh at every now and then.

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mesopretty and i have a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy with this blog, be it a distant variation - she has never asked me if i have a blog, i have never told her.