my friend thanks you for the sex last night

this might be on craigslist, somewhere. might.
-------------------------
man, i never witnessed anything so freaking crazy, seriously.

you were so friendly and outgoing and flirty and sexy and daring.

there we were, on the sidewalk, walking towards the bar, all depressed and bummed out and i won’t even tell why. 30 feet from the bar we see you running towards us, cigarette and smile in hand. i thought for sure you knew my friend when you jumped onto him and planted a kiss on his forehead. man are you a hugger! it took the duration of my cigarette for you to let go of him! you guys must go way back! the way you wouldn’t let go, the way you kept flirtatiously fondling his various body parts, now i’m starting to think this is some sort of girlfriend i never knew him to have! he never mentioned you to me before, how strange! boy were you two happy to see each other! i’m glad we decided stopped by for a quick drink!

but then after the cigarette we walked into the bar and you introduced yourself to him.

what?!

the fuck?

i may have thought it odd that i never got an introduction, but i didn’t think it was because you two had never met before.

and you didn’t stop with the hugging, the fondling, the kissing, the flirting.

then it was my buddy’s turn to make the quizzical face when you tried your routine with me. what? why the sudden loss of interest in my buddy? well, lets understand something - you’re hot. you’re sexy. you’re sweet. you’re certainly fun. these are not the reasons i didn’t reciprocate the fondling, the hugging, the kissing. it probably had EVERY FUCKING REASON IN THE WORLD to due with the fact that you are one CONFUSING AND CRAZY-ASS CHICK!. i’m going to start hugging and kissing and fondling you just after you jump up from my buddies lap? never. ever.

now you’ve got him confused and annoyed, so you start the routine over again with him. 10 minutes later you’re out the door and off to his place. you knew him for MAYBE 20 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE YOU DECIDED IT MIGHT BE A SWEET IDEA TO GO BACK TO HIS PLACE AND FUCK UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN!

you are 22 at best. you are young. you are innocent. you look like a sweet girl. you are someone’s daughter, and you would not have made that someone proud last night. you were most definitely the hottest chick he’d seen that week, that he’d seen all year. unbelievably. a wet-dream come true.

i’m still waiting for him to call me and tell me details, and i’m sure they’ll be incredible.

trust me, if he didn’t say so already then he thanks you for the sex last night.

i need some craigslist counsel here, please!

so i have reason to believe my girlfriend may be interested in dating other men. you see, i own an ibook computer on which i use safari for internet use. My girlfriend has recently been using this computer at my house during the day, as she is out of work and needs to find a new job. the problem is that i don’t think she’s using it for creating cover letters and resumes; i think she’s using it to find other men. i think this because recently, while searching craigslist, i noticed the “men seeking women” link was all purplish (meaning it had been clicked). note, the link should definitely have been blue, as i would never have a reason to click this link myself. it being purplish in color could mean only one thing - my girlfriend was searching for some new ass. venturing further into the link myself, just to see what else was purplish (thus clicked by her), i noticed a particular theme:

“Master seeking new slave – 19”
“spank me, then i’ll spank you even harder – 21”
“Sugar Guy $eeks Some Sugar Ass – 23”
“trust me, you’ll like anal – 20”

there were a few more, but you get the idea. basically i can assume that she is not getting, and needs some or all of the following:

1) some new ass
2) some younger ass (i’m 26)
3) some general ass abuse
4) some sugar in/on/around her ass?

understand this; i love my girlfriend, i need my girlfriend, i don’t want to lose my girlfriend. i love the way she can’t fall asleep at night unless i kiss her forehead. i love the way she talks to herself in whispers when she’s upset. i love how we can have morning sex without caring about bad breath. i love our secret jokes, our special instant messages we send each other, her phone calls when i’m away traveling. i just love her.

shit. i never thought my age was a problem (she’s a bit younger, 21). sexually i couldn’t ask for anything more, and i assumed she was completely satisfied. i guess i should have been more forthright in asking how much more i could do to please her, or what her sexual desires or fantasies could be. thinking back, i probably should have been a bit more attentive to her “will you ride my ass a bit harder this time?, please?” comments, and especially that time she said “no, no, no! you’re not pounding my ass hard enough! harder!". man, if only i had been a little more rough with her ass. fuck!, i should have listened. i don't know what the christ i should do now, and i'm afraid she might just up and leave me for another man.

so what i really want to know is this - does anyone have any idea what i can do to my ibook/safari browser to make all my craigslist links blue again? (clearing the history and cache does not seem to work).

thanks

craigslist post

in need of a missed connection? - latest craigslist post

always searching but never finding? hoping to post an interesting missed connection yourself? wouldn’t it be nice to at least get one for once? for fucking out loud, is it so goddamn difficult? (i may know this feeling sort of well).

i think i can help. i’m at your service. and, i’ve got some ideas for yur ass:

never had a coffee shop missed connection? (these would probably be my best). hoping for a post about how you were standing in line at starfucks on broadway at about 8:15am and you suddenly caught the eye of the cute dude with the red backpack in front of you? isn’t that the coolest way to start your day? didn’t it take you by surprise? how sweet! maybe it made you smile just a tad as you felt that self confidence level rise. but you were too caught up in placing your order just seconds later and he slipped out without you being able to approach him and give him your number, right? sucks, i know, a classic failed coffee shop missed connection. i’m there for you. you name the shop, the time, the barista, i’ll be there in front of you on the right morning. i’ll look back at you and give you the attention you’ve been waiting for, maybe a quick and cool smile with sparkle in my eyes, is that what you want? or do you want me to linger over by the cream and sugar stand but then slip out just before you’re done paying? let me give you the post you deserve just a few hours after this happens.

never been able to post an angry motorist missed connection? how about an asshole that cut you off on the corner of broadway and prospect on your way to work when you’re late tomorrow? feel like laying on the horn after being cut off? i’m your man. leave the driving to me. you name the corner and i’ll be there waiting for you. you’ll come to a stop and i’ll just run over all those pedestrians in the sidewalk to pull out in front of you. i’ll yell out my window at you and call you a fucking asshole for no reason as i cut in front of you with my suck-it-shithead-i-don’t-fucking-care whopper of an SUV. your grill will swallow my exhaust and bits of dirt as you squint to see that i still have a bush/cheeney ’04 bumper sticker. then i’ll be gone so fast you won’t have time to get your middle finger in the air, isn’t that the way it always is?

in need of a missed connection with that guy on the T tomorrow morning that kept stealing glances at you over his copy of the metro? might he have gotten on the orange line at stony brook and sat right across from you? did he kind of choke on his coffee when he first met your eyes? did he try to cover his gawking by opening the paper and pretending to read it? did you try to act like you were still reading your book, but really you kept reading the same line over and over again because you couldn’t keep your thoughts away from his obvious attraction to you? but then the unthinkable happened, right? he needed to get off right away at backbay, probably going to work at some high-end and cool clothing store on newbury street. this was not where you were planning for him to get off, this was not going to work, you were both suppose to get off at the same spot and talk out on the train platform. for fuck, a missed connection. i can be that guy, i can bring you this kind of missed connection. i’ll post for you, it will be there, i promise.

hoping to post about a missed connection with that pig at the club last night that kept trying to bump and grind with you on the dance floor? sucks, i know, and what’s worse is that i’m not even doing those kind of missed connections for yur ass.

in need of a missed connection at the bar this friday night? looking to get laid and you stuck out? perhaps you’ll be at river gods and started talking to this guy about who knows what for who knows how long. things are going well, he’s so easy to talk to and he understands you so well. he’s listening to you like he cares and everything! he’s not someone you would really consider dating, but now its 12:15 and you forgot about that already. it’s time to start thinking about going back to his place and screwing him completely. you’ve got fucking on the brain and this is your man. 5 drinks and you can’t tell if that’s his hand up your skirt or your own, either way its starting to feel pretty good. turns out it was your own because all of a sudden this dude is gay, right? when you start to laugh and fall into him on purpose he kind of turns back towards the bar and grips his drink with both hands while giving you an awkward smile. your final clue is when you reveal extra cleavage, practically exposing nipple for him to stare at and gaze towards, but he never looks. this is harsh, i know. not a good night. a strikeout, and you weren’t even playing against the right team. this is the kind of missed connection i can provide for you. i can be that gay dude that posts the next day about a floozy so drunk she tried to make it with a flamer. what a flake.

need a missed connection at whole foods tomorrow? don’t grocery store missed connections happen all the time? ‘cept i ain’t offerin’ no hook-up, strictly a missed opportunity. it will be no problem, i’m there. all. the. time. it can happen. i could be standing in front of the fresh parsley and celery stalks contemplating a carrot purchase. you could be looking at the onions just behind me, and when you step back to look at the price just below the stand we could bump into each other. sweet luck, look what he’s wearing – could the grey fleece pullover be any sexier? was that just the sweetest “i’m sorry” and hand on your shoulder move you’ve ever seen? but you were too stunned to move your lips, right? you even saw him 2 minutes later over near the breads and salad bar (ok, you may have done some searching). you tried to time the check-out just perfect but fuck if you had to forget about getting that cranberry juice for your roommate at the last minute. nice move. classic. but never does this happen, right? fuck! wrong. it can happen. it will happen, email me, we can set this exact situation up for yur ass.

help me, help you. you know you’re tired of searching these missed connections and not finding. tomorrow can be that day you’ve been waiting for, a post with your name written all over it. a sweet missed connection for yur ass.

craigslist post

how to blog by tony pierce, 110

if you're going to blog you might as well learn from the best damn blogger ever. none of us will ever come close to comparison, but it doesn't hurt to try.

unlike 99.9% of us, tony writes every blogdamn day, and usually a handful per day. tony blogs on weekdays, weekends, holidays, during work, even during sex. for 110 years old that's pretty damn impressive.

if you're looking for politics, music, current events, sports, the life of a playboy, awesome pics, hot women, LA life, kiss-and-tell, and work at the xbi then the bus blog is your best choice. the only thing you won't find one bit of? - movie talk, which would be my only complaint - two years of reading and i can't recall one movie he's seen, and for living in LA that might be just a bit strange. but in general he's perhaps the most transparent blogger you'll ever find.

each of his entries is better than a hand job from halle berry, but perhaps one of his more famous entries (and one of my favorites) is how to blog:

1. write every day.

2. if you think youre a good writer, write twice a day.

3. dont be afraid to do anything. infact if youre afraid of something, do it. then do it again. and again.

4. cuss like a sailor.

5. dont tell your mom, your work, your friends, the people you want to date, or the people you want to work for about your blog. if they find out and you'd rather they didnt read it, ask them nicely to grant you your privacy.

6. have comments. dont be upset if no one writes in your comments for a long time. eventually they'll write in there. if people start acting mean in your comments, ask them to stop, they probably will.

7. have an email address clearly displayed on your blog. sometimes people want to tell you that you rock in private.

8. dont worry very much about the design of your blog. image is a fakeout.

9. use Blogger. it's easy, it's free; and because they are owned by Google, your blog will get spidered better, you will show up in more search results, and more people will end up at your blog. besides, all the other blogging software & alternatives pretty much suck.

10. use spellcheck unless youre completely totally keeping it real. but even then you might want to use it if you think you wrote something really good.

11. say exactly what you want to say no matter what it looks like on the screen. then say something else. then keep going. and when youre done, re-read it, and edit it and hit publish and forget about it.

12. link like crazy. link anyone who links you, link your favorites, link your friends. dont be a prude. linking is what seperates bloggers from apes. and especially link if you're trying to prove a point and someone else said it first. it lends credibility even if youre full of shit.

13. if you havent written about sex, religion, and politics in a week youre probably playing it too safe, which means you probably fucked up on #5, in which case start a second blog and keep your big mouth shut about it this time.

14. remember: nobody cares which N*Sync member you are, what State you are, which Party of Five kid you are, or which Weezer song you are. the second you put one of those things on your blog you need to delete your blog and try out for the marching band. similarilly, nobody gives a shit what the weather is like in your town, nobody wants you to change their cursor into a butterfly, nobody wants to vote on whether your blog is hot or not, and nobody gives a rat ass what song youre listening to. write something Real for you, about you, every day.

15. dont be afraid if you think something has been said before. it has. and better. big whoop. say it anyway using your own words as honestly as you can. just let it out.

16. get Site Meter and make it available for everyone to see. if you're embarrassed that not a lot of people are clicking over to your page, dont be embarrassed by the number, be embarrassed that you actually give a crap about hits to your gay blog. it really is just a blog. and hits really dont mean anything. you want Site Meter, though, to see who is linking you so you can thank them and so you can link them back. similarilly, use Technorati, but dont obsess. write.

17. people like pictures. use them. save them to your own server. or use Blogger's free service. if you dont know how to do it, learn. also get a Buzznet account. several things will happen once you start blogging, one of them is you will learn new things. thats a good thing.

18. before you hit Save as Draft or Publish Post, select all and copy your masterpiece. you are using a computer and the internet, shit can happen. no need to lose a good post.

19. push the envelope in what youre writing about and how youre saying it. be more and more honest. get to the root of things. start at the root of things and get deeper. dig. think out loud. keep typing. keep going. eventually you'll find a little treasure chest. every time you blog this can happen if you let it.

20. change your style. mimic people. write beautiful lies. dream in public. kiss and tell. finger and tell. cry scream fight sing fuck and dont be afraid to be funny. the easiest thing to do is whine when you write. dont be lazy. audblog at least once a week.

21. write open letters. make lists. call people out on their bullshit. lead by example. invent and reinvent yourself. start by writing about what happened to you today. for example today i told a hot girl how wonderfully hot she is.

22. when in doubt review something. theres not enough reviews on blogs. review a movie you just saw, a tv show, a cd, a kiss you just got, a restaurant, a hike you just took, anything.

23. constantly write about the town that you live in.

24. out yourself. tell your secrets. you can always delete them later.

25. dont use your real name. dont write about your work unless you dont care about getting fired.

26. dont be afraid to come across as an asswipe. own your asswipeness.

27. nobody likes poems. dont put your poems on your blog. not even if theyre incredible. especially if theyre incredible. odds are theyre not incredible. bad poems are funny sometimes though, so fine, put youd dumb poems on there. whatever.

28. tell us about your friends.

29. dont apologize about not blogging. nobody cares. just start blogging again.

30. read tons of blogs and leave nice comments.

31. if you're going to ripoff/mimic/be inspired by one blogger make it raymi, shes perfect.

next time on razyboy.com - some incredible poetry by raz

the resolution list

1) get into lindsay lohan's pants
2) booze it up more often
3) get a 20 question interview with clive owen and/or zach braff
4) buy a digital camera, and
5) get naughty with it in bed
6) quit my job
7) make love to my hand less often, or more often, whichever is easier
8) get the hell out of dodge
9)
10) read 0 nicholas sparks books; except for the one coming out in april
11) find, buy, and redeem gift certificate to fuck playmate of my choice

fuck it, my resolution list is just as impossible as yours and you know it. but i look at it this way, if anything on my list actually happened? well then.

"the good things are never free"

courtesy of someone. i think it was jill. and i think i made some changes.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
started a blog.
had sex with a celebrity (if a reality tv star counts).
took a vacation from work.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i didn't have any last year, which is a bummer because i'd love to see how i did with them.

for this year i've made a wish list, or as you like to call it, resolutions - to be found somewhere on this blog, at some point.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no. please let this not happen for a long time.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no. please let this not happen for a long time.

5. What countries did you visit?
mexico!

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
a pair of lindsay lohan's panties.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
without the why part i can say it was july 29th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
holy shit, this is embarrassing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
lets not add insult to injury here.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
well, yeah, now that you mention it. i was diagnosed with some skin thingy, i meant to do some research on it but never got around to it. maybe now is the time.

i also suffered from heartache on more than a few different occasions.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
at first i thought it was an ipod. but now i'm thinking it was the arrested development dvds, season 1.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
jon stewart, and i don't even get comedy central. strange.
paris hilton in that sex video.
myself, considering.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
i'll get back to you.

14. Where did most of your money go?
rent and loans. whoops, i didn't mean to be so honest there.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
survivor, of course.
and a certain day in the very beginning of november.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? um, same i guess
iii. richer or poorer? eh, probably about the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
getting the hell out of here.
playing poker.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
dating.
being sick.
daydreaming about, oh fuck it.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes, many many times over. specifically, with my sweet arrested development dvds and each new issue of playboy.

23. How many one-night stands?
zip.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
survivor.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i hate W more than i hated him at this time last year. that counts for something.

26. What was the best book you read?
a tie with all the poker books on my desk.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
weezer? elliott smith? oh, and badly drawn boy. i'm a late bloomer when it comes to music.

28. What did you want and get?
ipod.
laid.

29. What did you want and not get?
ug, this is a bad subject. a computer and a digital camera are on the list of material items. non-material is a list i don't want to get into.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
wow, garden state, no question. with mean girls, closer, and eternal sunshine all a close second.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
seeing all of twin peaks released on dvd.
seeing karen mcdougal on my doorstep begging for some action.
not breaking my wind defyer umbrella.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
simply awesome. i found that the "new" grey fleece pullover goes with many different 5 year old t-shits and jeans.

34. What kept you sane?
the red sox beating the yankees in 7

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
clive owen.
zach braff.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
next question.

37. Greatest discovery?
in-n-out burger
curb your enthusiasm, coupling, sex in the city, twin peaks, arrested development, the office.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
that it's ok to lay down AJ and even AQ preflop. this applies to suited or off, and mainly when facing a raise from a tight player, especially when in early position.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"the good things are never free"
- i'm ain't telling who