you enjoy myself

you think you’re so subtle……..you’re not

you think you’re so hot………you are

you think i don’t know what you’re doing………i do

you may think i don’t appreciate you’re flirting………i do

but. i love my girlfriend, so run away now.

--------------------------

in an attempt to learn something interesting, fill my spare time with something productive, and prove to myself that i’m most definitely not retarded, i sign up for an introduction to archeology class.

so do you.

for the ENTIRE first 10 minutes of the semester i was able to follow along with the professor and learn. but once he was done explaining the syllabus my brain shut down and i started to daydream.

until.

until you walk into the first class of the semester a good 20 minutes late. nice move genius. you plop yourself down in a seat right next to mine. let me explain something, there are 13 people in the class and 80 available seats, its like a goddamn stadium in here. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU BE ANY CLOSER THAN 3 SEATS FROM THE NEXT STUDENT. DOING OTHERWISE WOULD BE CONSIDERED JUST PLAIN ODD, SO WHAT THE ASS ARE YOU DOING NEXT TO ME?

but it takes me about 2 seconds to realize that this may be a blessing. turns out you are gorgeous beyond words. you are my lohan come true.

so, as the class listened attentively and focused on a discussion about calcium carbonate precipitate, i was busy thinking of ways to get both my mind and my eyes off of your smokin’ bod.

not possible.

and.

you’re well versed in the ways of war. the war that beautiful women fight against the senses of man. you deny me at each attempt to avert my eyes, my body, my sense of smell. case in point:

i sit up straight and focus my eyes on the new powerpoint slide; you start to rub the top portion of your collarbone with your hand, underneath your ALREADY HALF-OPEN BLOUSE. the new powerpoint slide now has no relevance to me, as i can only think about how not to start moaning in excitement while staring down your blouse at your heavenly breasts. OH GOD WOMAN. you have now completely aroused me sexually. in class. thanks.

or.

i cock my head towards the clock on the wall and stare at it for about ten seconds. your response is to lean over and whisper in my ear “what are you doing after class?” which, really isn’t such a troubling question. UNFUCKINGLESS. and let me be very clear in asking: is there really a need to you use your SWEET SMELLING & WARM BREATH, ALONG WITH YOUR SEXY & THROATY VOICE WHEN YOU ASK ME THIS? when anything to do with warm, sexy, sweet or throaty lands on my ears i tend to get insanely aroused. you will visually notice the following taking place: i will sink or melt into a puddle on my seat. i will stop breathing completely. and i will make an exaggerated swallowing/gulping sound without even knowing. you have now completely aroused me sexually. in class. thanks.

or.

when i attempt to take notes during the lecture you enjoy: making adjustments. this may sound innocent enough, but its not, oh no. each time you re-cross your legs? each time you lean back and adjust your hair with both hands? each time you bend over to grab a new pen out of your bag allowing me to see your dead-sexy blue embroidered satin victoria’s secret bra? each time. with each time you do this i’m temporarily distracted and must visually confirm what your readjusted HOT self looks like. my eyes must make contact with your movement, be it however small. you have now completely aroused me sexually. in class. thanks.

or, after class.

when you follow me out of class, talking. not good. not good because my girlfriend sometimes likes to meet me after class. for some reason she doesn’t like a lohan look-alike talking and laughing with her boyfriend while in her presence. gee, i can’t figure out why? and, as it turns out, gorgeous and flirty women touching and giving me attention while walking out of class leaves me with only one thing for certain: i’ll be sleeping on the couch for the next 2 nights minimum. oh, and for some reason she doesn’t like it when you ask her what her name is, FOR THE TENTH GODDAMN TIME.

or, in the library while i’m studying.

how funny to see you here! you don’t remember what i said to you yesterday do you?! no! of course not! i’ll remind you! MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND IS COMING IN LIKE 1 MINUTE TO STUDY WITH ME! this means that all drop dead gorgeous women other than my girlfriend should not be in my presence for the next 2 hours. especially women that are wearing short skirts, have perfectly tanned skin, and have breasts that beg for eyes. but wait! it means even more! it also means that you should not “just ask me a quick question for a sec.” and still more! it CERTAINFUCKINGLY does not mean you should be VERY CLOSE to me asking me what stratified random sampling means. because, when you lean in close while listening to my whispered answer then no doubt my girlfriend will be walking towards us, thinking that i’m actually giving you directions to our apartment so that i can screw you completely whenever she’s not there.

we both know you’re extremely hot. we both know that i can’t keep my eyes off you. but, i think we can both agree that i’ve done a pretty good job keeping my hands off of that heavenly body of yours this semester. unfortunately my girlfriend doesn’t appreciate the fact that i’ve resisted such temptation so well, and for so long. thus, she is going to dump me if you keep it up. the next time we walk out of class and you’re laughing and touching my shoulder? dumped. sad, but true. so please do me a favor, please just run away now. you’ve had your fun, i’ve gotten plenty of the evil eye from my girlfriend, lets just leave it at that. the day i decide to grab you during a lecture to have wild sex on the classroom floor is coming too close for comfort.

next time on razyboy.com - so much more, of nothing.