my ship came in last night

i’m sitting on the couch watching a blonde clive owen shuffle cards.

a knock on the door and its amber brkich from survivor all-star. i tell her the tea is almost ready and that i can turn up the heat for her if she’s cold. i tell her i wouldn’t do that for just anyone.

she had emailed me late last night after she read my post from the other day and wanted to make my dream come true. in person. how sweet is that?

we got our tea (just cream in mine, cream and sugar in hers) and sat back down on the big red couch.

she said “i bet you never imagined me to read your blog, let alone contact you and show up at your door the next day.” she said this with a seductive smile and kind of tucked her hair behind one ear.

i said “the power of blogging, i’m just starting to realize it.”

she told me there was no way she was ever selling out to playboy, she had enough money and was happily engaged. plus she didn’t think rob would like it very much.

i asked her what rob would think if he knew she was here. she said he’d do the same for me if i asked.

keen-witted, nice.

and this i will tell you: she is just as hot as you would imagine. if you saw her that time in stuff magazine then you’ve kissed the tip of the iceberg.

i remember saying

ah, fuck.

oh, shit.

i can’t believe this.

no way.

please don’t stop.

only like all the time, and you’d have done the same.

and all that was before she brought out the tight leather and things with lace and pink straps and seductive see-through naughtiness. i can’t tell you what i said then.

this is around the time i suggested her taking a key to my house before she left.

this is before i suggested that i’d do anything for her.

work at denny’s.

rob banks.

buy her cute puppies.

quit drinking coffee.

bake her cookies.

whatev she wanted. just because because.

she wasn’t the first attractive woman to show up at my door offering sex, but i wanted her to be the last, and this i never thought i’d say. she was surprised upon hearing this and might have even given it some thought. but then she questioned me about dolly the shepherdess and in a flash it was over.

just.

like.

that.

i can’t ever seem to lie at the right times.

and how could i want more than the amber that was curled up in my arms? what was so bad about right now? why? one super hot super cool super funny super sexy survivor babe was not good enough? how could i be so shallow? how could dolly be any better than this? how could anyone?

and so it was all was.

but of course she couldn’t leave without making a bad situation worse. she yelled. she broke things. but its not like i didn’t deserve it.

she went on a rage and got downright dirty about how she had been in 2 survivors, including survivor all-star “WHICH I FUCKING WON! I KNOW A LAME SHEEP FARMER FROM PENNSYLVANIA THAT COULDN’T COME CLOSE TO SAYING THE SAME!”

then came the breaking of my digital camera, which we had used earlier in bed if you know what i mean. “NOW YOU WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO LOOK BACK AT WHAT YOU’RE MISSING, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?! YOU’RE WELCOME!” she said.

then came the crying. the both of us. if anyone tells you you can’t fall in and out and then back in love in less than an hour then they’re wrong. dead wrong. we didn’t know if we were crying because we were sad or because we were so confused, we just cried together until we started laughing. we just laughed together until things were better, not perfect, but better.

we hugged goodnight hours later, only it was more like the break of dawn. i walked her to her car and asked if i could see her again “please? you knew i’d have to ask”

she jumped into my arms wearing her big coat with a smile from ear to ear and just whispers “oh raz.”

NAKED ELIZA & AMI SURVIVOR PICS! LOTS!

welcome to the new victoria’s secret/lindsay lohan/survivor tribute blog.

this tribute blog goes surface deep on issues such as:

odds that survivor 10 will suck as much ass as survivor 9? hopefully pretty bad.

vegas odds on ami cusack (survivor babe) being in playboy next year: 5:1 (yay!)

raz odds on eliza orlins (less hot survivor babe) being in playboy next year: 10 million:1 (this is a good thing).

raz odds that he will ever meet a shepherdess named dolly, or a barista named ami: the odds make me cry.

is there a cooler couple in the world than amber brkich and rob mariano from survivor all-stars? the dismal ending of this seasons survivor made me think back to the all-star season. i know it was a long time ago, but never has there been a better survivor or a better survivor win than the one amber and rob had on survivor all-star? oh man. there might a rumor about them being on the next amazing race. god, that is so awesome. rob. amber. coolest. ever. odds they’ll win the amazing race: pretty damn good.

also, just so we’re clear: seeing amber in playboy would be just as good as seeing ami. so amber if you’re reading this don’t get mad that i didn’t post odds for you. vegas doesn’t have them and i pretty much know for sure its not going to happen. but it would be so cool if you surprised me. it would make for a sweet christmas present. think about it.

NOTICE TO YOU GOOGLERS WHO KEEP COMING HERE LOOKING FOR ELIZA ORLINS NAKED PICS: THEY DON’T EXIST! (yet). AND WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR NAKED PICTURES OF HER? YOU SHOULD REALLY BE LOOKING FOR NAKED PICS OF AMI, SHE’S WAY HOTTER AND WAY COOLER AND JUST WAY. (naked ami pics do exist. um, apparently).

onward to topics just as boring:

the possibility that i’ll be buying a copy of entertainment weekly this week? pathetically good.

and while we’re at it: if fez (wilper vladdarrrrra or whatev) could get a date with lilo then i could, right? i mean come on, fez? he’s gay right?

my lilo made a cameo appearance on saturday night live and i missed it. i wish she’d do a cameo appearance in my bed soon. DO YOU HEAR ME LINDSAY!? I’M NOT ASKING FOR MUCH!

turns out tyra banks WAS NOT in the victoria’s secret i visited last weekend, making it impossible for me to give her the christmas gift i had ready.

and, will catherine keener be in another movie already? oops, where’d that come from?

next time on razyboy.com - fan email from someone famous! posted! + raz joins a band. yes, we're cooler than your band. way.

the ticket to what i need

nothing says christmas like supermodels in underwear.

seen the latest softcore porn video by victoria’s secret? (aka the new christmas tv ad)

i’m not big on christmas, but i’m big on watching beautiful half-naked ladies dance around on the tv whispering “tell me you love me, miss me, want me, excite me, dazzle me, delight me.” wow. just try to watch this commercial and not get aroused. seriously, is this shit even legal? is tyra banks really allowed to get naked and start whispering sweet nothings to me at 9pm when i’m all alone in my apartment watching i can’t remember what? man, that commercial is better than half the porn i’ve ever downloaded. you find better.

but wait one fuck, i thought supermodels were mutes? i thought they could just look pretty, no? but really, have you ever seen supermodels speak? not only do they speak in this commercial, they whisper, seductively. they whisper with smiles on their faces and sparkle in their eyes. they’re asking you to want them, dazzle them, excite them, delight them, and tell them there’s nobody in the world like them. i would do all of that baby, just tell me where to meet you.

don’t know about you, but i’m certainly making a stop or two at victoria’s secret this holiday season. if banks is in there whispering “delight me” then she better watch out, there’s no gift like a christmas gift from raz.

xmas 2004 tv ad - exclusive online cut

mom says i should date you

went home for the holidays last weekend.

got the talk.

mom said i need to start dating. soon. she wants grandchildren, or at the very least someone that’s new and more interesting than myself to talk to every once in a while.

i should have been clued into this talk the week before last when she called to tell me that it was ok to bring a friend home for thanksgiving dinner, that its ok to bring a “special lady friend” if i wanted. there was a pause at my end after she said this because the only special lady friends i could think of are in the form of jpegs on my computer, and i didn’t think they’d quite be what mom was talking about.

apparently she enlisted the help of my aunt; because just as i was reaching for a 3rd helping of garlic mashed, aunt jules puts forth (quite loudly, enough so that the table of 17 became quiet) “so raz, have you been seeing anyone special lately?” i knew what she was getting at but thought perhaps everyone might be in the mood for a laugh: “um, well, if by special you mean chasey lain on my laptop every night at about 11pm then yes.” nobody was in the mood for a laugh. but fuck, i couldn’t lie, and it felt better than just saying the usual “no, i’m a loser, i’ve never dated anyone ever, things are the same as always, as far as i can tell women are repulsed by me.” i didn’t get too many other questions the rest of the night.

sunday night rolled around and it was time for me to head home. as a last ditch effort my mother gave me a little pep talk: “you know raz i think you could find someone special, it will probably take a little effort on your part though. like the beard, it should go, nobody finds that attractive, i should have told you that a year ago. also, your cousin rob found that using online dating services is a good way to meet new people if you’re shy type. you know you’re shy........it could help. i don’t want to be pressuring you or anything, its just that you’re almost 27 and have practically never had a girlfriend......i mean, your sister is 20 and has dated more people than you. it isn’t healthy i don’t think. i'm just giving you something to think about it. if you want to talk to someone about it just give me a call.”

i did.

i talked to mom last night, and the night before. this is what we came up with:

we think that i’d be interested in women.

we think that i’d be interested in women my age, maybe 23-30 years old.

we think that you should be kinda interesting.

we think that you should be interested in dating someone who has never dated before, never had sex with anything other than a right hand in the past half decade, and would like to be the one to “take the lead” with everything having to do with a relationship.

we think that you should give my mom a call before we go out (remember, you have to decide where we go. and when. and tell me that i need to pay for everything. and bring you flowers or something. and open doors for you. don’t forget).

i didn’t tell mom i had my own ideas:

i think you should dig a man with a beard because it ain’t coming off. unless you say so.

i think you should be interested in someone that always wears a grey fleece. always. never comes off. if we ever had sex it would stay on. the grey fleece is my prized possession. no really, it is.

i also think you should be like that girl i dream of every night. she changes all the time, so don’t worry if you think you might not be the right one. also, i can never remember what she looks like the next morning, so i guess if you’re a girl then that will be fine. no wait i remember, you know when you’re walking to work in the morning and this dreamy girl just can’t get out of your head? you dreamed of her all night long and fuck if you didn’t wake up thinking about her. kind of like running into a brick wall, this transition between dream world girl and waking up. how you grabbed your towel in frustration as you walked to the shower? you stand with your head under the water for like 10 minutes just trying to picture yourself with this girl? you forget to put on a belt and leave the house without putting cream in your coffee because your mind is frozen on the pain of never meeting someone like who was in the dream? you can’t wait for that 20 minute walk to work because it will give you uninterrupted time to daydream about this dreamy person? you slave away at work, slowly forgetting about this girl, but knowing that it will be ok because she’ll appear in your dreams soon enough? yeah, if you could be something like what i’ve just described then i think we’d get along pretty good.

cool. i think mom will be proud. write soon because then you could come home for christmas and meet mom. sweet.

oh, and about me: i’m 26, i have a beard, i wear a grey fleece a lot, and i have a mom. that’s about it i guess.

great. thanks.

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