mom says i should date you
went home for the holidays last weekend.
got the talk.
mom said i need to start dating. soon. she wants grandchildren, or at the very least someone that’s new and more interesting than myself to talk to every once in a while.
i should have been clued into this talk the week before last when she called to tell me that it was ok to bring a friend home for thanksgiving dinner, that its ok to bring a “special lady friend” if i wanted. there was a pause at my end after she said this because the only special lady friends i could think of are in the form of jpegs on my computer, and i didn’t think they’d quite be what mom was talking about.
apparently she enlisted the help of my aunt; because just as i was reaching for a 3rd helping of garlic mashed, aunt jules puts forth (quite loudly, enough so that the table of 17 became quiet) “so raz, have you been seeing anyone special lately?” i knew what she was getting at but thought perhaps everyone might be in the mood for a laugh: “um, well, if by special you mean chasey lain on my laptop every night at about 11pm then yes.” nobody was in the mood for a laugh. but fuck, i couldn’t lie, and it felt better than just saying the usual “no, i’m a loser, i’ve never dated anyone ever, things are the same as always, as far as i can tell women are repulsed by me.” i didn’t get too many other questions the rest of the night.
sunday night rolled around and it was time for me to head home. as a last ditch effort my mother gave me a little pep talk: “you know raz i think you could find someone special, it will probably take a little effort on your part though. like the beard, it should go, nobody finds that attractive, i should have told you that a year ago. also, your cousin rob found that using online dating services is a good way to meet new people if you’re shy type. you know you’re shy........it could help. i don’t want to be pressuring you or anything, its just that you’re almost 27 and have practically never had a girlfriend......i mean, your sister is 20 and has dated more people than you. it isn’t healthy i don’t think. i'm just giving you something to think about it. if you want to talk to someone about it just give me a call.”
i did.
i talked to mom last night, and the night before. this is what we came up with:
we think that i’d be interested in women.
we think that i’d be interested in women my age, maybe 23-30 years old.
we think that you should be kinda interesting.
we think that you should be interested in dating someone who has never dated before, never had sex with anything other than a right hand in the past half decade, and would like to be the one to “take the lead” with everything having to do with a relationship.
we think that you should give my mom a call before we go out (remember, you have to decide where we go. and when. and tell me that i need to pay for everything. and bring you flowers or something. and open doors for you. don’t forget).
i didn’t tell mom i had my own ideas:
i think you should dig a man with a beard because it ain’t coming off. unless you say so.
i think you should be interested in someone that always wears a grey fleece. always. never comes off. if we ever had sex it would stay on. the grey fleece is my prized possession. no really, it is.
i also think you should be like that girl i dream of every night. she changes all the time, so don’t worry if you think you might not be the right one. also, i can never remember what she looks like the next morning, so i guess if you’re a girl then that will be fine. no wait i remember, you know when you’re walking to work in the morning and this dreamy girl just can’t get out of your head? you dreamed of her all night long and fuck if you didn’t wake up thinking about her. kind of like running into a brick wall, this transition between dream world girl and waking up. how you grabbed your towel in frustration as you walked to the shower? you stand with your head under the water for like 10 minutes just trying to picture yourself with this girl? you forget to put on a belt and leave the house without putting cream in your coffee because your mind is frozen on the pain of never meeting someone like who was in the dream? you can’t wait for that 20 minute walk to work because it will give you uninterrupted time to daydream about this dreamy person? you slave away at work, slowly forgetting about this girl, but knowing that it will be ok because she’ll appear in your dreams soon enough? yeah, if you could be something like what i’ve just described then i think we’d get along pretty good.
cool. i think mom will be proud. write soon because then you could come home for christmas and meet mom. sweet.
oh, and about me: i’m 26, i have a beard, i wear a grey fleece a lot, and i have a mom. that’s about it i guess.
great. thanks.
craigslist post
got the talk.
mom said i need to start dating. soon. she wants grandchildren, or at the very least someone that’s new and more interesting than myself to talk to every once in a while.
i should have been clued into this talk the week before last when she called to tell me that it was ok to bring a friend home for thanksgiving dinner, that its ok to bring a “special lady friend” if i wanted. there was a pause at my end after she said this because the only special lady friends i could think of are in the form of jpegs on my computer, and i didn’t think they’d quite be what mom was talking about.
apparently she enlisted the help of my aunt; because just as i was reaching for a 3rd helping of garlic mashed, aunt jules puts forth (quite loudly, enough so that the table of 17 became quiet) “so raz, have you been seeing anyone special lately?” i knew what she was getting at but thought perhaps everyone might be in the mood for a laugh: “um, well, if by special you mean chasey lain on my laptop every night at about 11pm then yes.” nobody was in the mood for a laugh. but fuck, i couldn’t lie, and it felt better than just saying the usual “no, i’m a loser, i’ve never dated anyone ever, things are the same as always, as far as i can tell women are repulsed by me.” i didn’t get too many other questions the rest of the night.
sunday night rolled around and it was time for me to head home. as a last ditch effort my mother gave me a little pep talk: “you know raz i think you could find someone special, it will probably take a little effort on your part though. like the beard, it should go, nobody finds that attractive, i should have told you that a year ago. also, your cousin rob found that using online dating services is a good way to meet new people if you’re shy type. you know you’re shy........it could help. i don’t want to be pressuring you or anything, its just that you’re almost 27 and have practically never had a girlfriend......i mean, your sister is 20 and has dated more people than you. it isn’t healthy i don’t think. i'm just giving you something to think about it. if you want to talk to someone about it just give me a call.”
i did.
i talked to mom last night, and the night before. this is what we came up with:
we think that i’d be interested in women.
we think that i’d be interested in women my age, maybe 23-30 years old.
we think that you should be kinda interesting.
we think that you should be interested in dating someone who has never dated before, never had sex with anything other than a right hand in the past half decade, and would like to be the one to “take the lead” with everything having to do with a relationship.
we think that you should give my mom a call before we go out (remember, you have to decide where we go. and when. and tell me that i need to pay for everything. and bring you flowers or something. and open doors for you. don’t forget).
i didn’t tell mom i had my own ideas:
i think you should dig a man with a beard because it ain’t coming off. unless you say so.
i think you should be interested in someone that always wears a grey fleece. always. never comes off. if we ever had sex it would stay on. the grey fleece is my prized possession. no really, it is.
i also think you should be like that girl i dream of every night. she changes all the time, so don’t worry if you think you might not be the right one. also, i can never remember what she looks like the next morning, so i guess if you’re a girl then that will be fine. no wait i remember, you know when you’re walking to work in the morning and this dreamy girl just can’t get out of your head? you dreamed of her all night long and fuck if you didn’t wake up thinking about her. kind of like running into a brick wall, this transition between dream world girl and waking up. how you grabbed your towel in frustration as you walked to the shower? you stand with your head under the water for like 10 minutes just trying to picture yourself with this girl? you forget to put on a belt and leave the house without putting cream in your coffee because your mind is frozen on the pain of never meeting someone like who was in the dream? you can’t wait for that 20 minute walk to work because it will give you uninterrupted time to daydream about this dreamy person? you slave away at work, slowly forgetting about this girl, but knowing that it will be ok because she’ll appear in your dreams soon enough? yeah, if you could be something like what i’ve just described then i think we’d get along pretty good.
cool. i think mom will be proud. write soon because then you could come home for christmas and meet mom. sweet.
oh, and about me: i’m 26, i have a beard, i wear a grey fleece a lot, and i have a mom. that’s about it i guess.
great. thanks.
craigslist post
thrown together by raz at 4:32 PM
<< Home