we had just left phoenix

it was sunday night.

traffic was nightmarish at best. 3 hours to get to the mexico border before it closed for the night.

starved, we all were. lunch didn’t happen and now it was 9pm somewhere east or west or north or south of phoenix, i don’t know which.

the four of us had planned 3 days of vacation on the mexico coast, which meant we needed to buy food before leaving the US. time was not on our side.

at some point while we were going nowhere fast two of us looked out the window and announced what we saw at the same time:

polo: “taco bell!”
raz: “in-n-out?!”

understand that about 1500 days ago i watched the big lebowski for the first time. about 1/545th of the time since i’ve spent watching it again. i like it. i like it a lot. one of the scenes, like many of the scenes from the movie, applied to our current situation.

and just so i can get a good laugh out of reading this myself i’ll set the stage:

---------------------------------------------------

THE BIG LEBOWSKI
we’re at CRANE JACKSON'S FOUNTAIN STREET THEATER

we are behind walter, the dude, and donny, facing the stage in the background where allan, the dude's balding landlord, is performing a dance moderne.

as walter talks to the dude he leans in to him, his voice hushed, so as not to disturb the rest of the very sparse audience.

WALTER
he lives in north hollywood on radford, near the in-and-out burger--
DUDE
the in-and-out burger is on camrose.
WALTER
near the in-and-out burger--
DONNY
those are good burgers, walter.
WALTER
shut the fuck up, donny. this kid is in the ninth grade, dude, and his father is--are you ready for this?-- arthur digby sellers.
DUDE
who the fuck is that?
WALTER
huh?
DUDE
who the fuck is arthur digby sellers?
WALTER
who the f--, have you ever heard of a little show called branded, dude?
DUDE
yeah.
WALTER
all but one man died? there at bitter creek?
DUDE
yeah yeah, i know the fucking show walter, so what?
WALTER
fucking arthur digby sellers wrote 156 episodes, dude.
DUDE
uh-huh.
WALTER
the bulk of the series.
DUDE
uh-huh.
WALTER
not exactly a lightweight.
DUDE
no.
WALTER
and yet his son is a fucking dunce.
DUDE
uh.
WALTER
yeah, go figure. well we'll go out there after the, uh, uh, the.
(he waves a hand vaguely toward the stage.)
WALTER
what have you. we'll, uh--
DONNY
we'll be near the in-and-out burger?
WALTER
shut the fuck up, donny. we'll, uh, brace the kid--he'll be a pushover. we'll get that fucking money, if he hasn't spent it already. million fucking clams. and yes, we'll be near the, uh---- some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. our fucking troubles are over, dude.
---------------------------------------------

clearly we needed to swing by the in-n-out burger on freemont street, just like in the movie, only we needed to do so before or after some grocery shopping. i had heard in-n-out burger mentioned in the big lebowski but never really thought such a place existed, just figured they made it up. this is mainly because i’m from the east coast, where they don’t exist. the moment i saw the big red sign that said in-n-out burger i became slightly confused and thrilled at the same time. i tried to explain the situation to the others in the car as quickly as i could while threatening murder if we didn’t exit immediately and get some burgers. there was a brief moment where i came close to experiencing a heart-attack when polo said “yeah but i really feel like taco bell.” i quickly put that motion to rest by turning around and giving a look of death to polo.

a better burger had not passed by my lips, ever. a better burger cannot be found in all of the world. i said the fucking world. i don’t know what they put in them burgers but its worth its fuck in gold, for sure.

i had: a burger; some fries; some chocolate shake. it was some awesome. it was fast food and it was an instant orgasm.