i hate coffee

i hate coffee. i hate starbucks. i hate caffeine. i hate the addiction. so......

i’ve just decided to quit the juice. off it for good this time. no more juice, ever. or at least for the winter. or at least until after lunch. now would not be a good time for starbucks to name me customer of the month. but they have. those fucking bastards. why are they so goddamn smart? could they tell i was thinking of quitting? do they really know me that well? yes.

every morning when i walk in all three employees say hello to me by name. no matter who’s behind the counter they can always get what i need without me asking. they know i won’t change the rules on them, won’t dream of changing my order. they’ve got it made and sitting on the counter by the time its my turn at the register. i fork the cash, they fork the iced juice.

sometimes they play tricky on me. like they’ll “forget” what my usual drink size is. so instead of forking a tall iced cup of sweetness they “by mistake” fork me a grande cup of twice as good sweetness. oh, and that will be of no charge. great. now what am i going to do tomorrow morning? go back to my usual tall cup? not a fucking chance now that i’ve had better. by next month they’ll have me ordering the biggest, most expensive drink on the menu, and like 3 times a day.

i can’t tell you what customer of the month means because they haven’t crowned me yet. the ceremony is on monday i guess. big celebration is all they’ve told me. i hope it means free drinks for a month. or maybe i don’t hope that. maybe i hope they crown someone else customer of the month. maybe i’m just never going back in that store again.

yuck, i hate you starbucks. i hate your incredibly good coffee. i hate your incredibly sexy baristas. i hate your incredibly successful business.

i’ll see you bright and early monday morning.