thoughts on thoughts

you know when you want something really bad? like really really bad?

but then you start to think. and you can’t stop thinking about it. and you get to the point where you only think about it and nothing else.

and what you think is this: maybe you either want it really bad or you want nothing in the world more than not to have it.

you get to the point where you think that you want it more than anything in the world, yet the last thing on earth that you could possibly want is it. and then how is this even possible?

and what you think is this: why is it ok to either have it or not have it? how is it possible to be happy either way?

you get to the point where you’ve convinced yourself that you can live without it and might even find some kind of happiness in not having it.

and what you think is this: am i the only person like this?

you get to the point where you’ve convinced yourself that you’re the only person in the world like this. and isn’t there some kind of goodness in knowing that? don’t you feel special? privileged? happy? or do you feel depressed?

you start living and living the idea that maybe this all doesn’t matter in the long run. maybe its not worth the time to think about. maybe its not worth the energy to stress about.

you start asking yourself how it could be possible to be so divided and be ok with it.

you start thinking about how something like this will never happen and that it should be impossible to be so divided on how to feel about it. you feel a guilty happiness, you feel a certain depression.

and next day you go through the same thing.

over.

and.

over.