personal ad

i tried to create a personal ad for a friend. she didn’t dig it and won’t use it. i told her if she didn’t end up using it then i’d at least post it on my site:

smart, attractive, and sarcastic 29 year old babe looking for an interesting and charming older man to show me a good time.

i may be interested in a long term relationship but i’m also looking for a fuck buddy, so read on if either of these apply to you.

i’m definitely shorter and in better shape than you. i work out like a lot. my buttocks are incredibly firm and can clench like you wouldn’t believe.

i may be smart but i put up with the retards if you are one. you don’t have to be wicked smaht. i’ve been known to date the occasional retarded guy that appears smart at first but then just turns out to be a loser.

if you play the bagpipes that would be a major plus. if you like having sex with a kilt on that would be better. i dig a man who likes to blow pipes.

if you have a job in a trade that would be cool. plumbers, carpenters email me now. sex with a tool belt could not be cooler. you can lay your pipe down on me anytime. i want you to use those big brawny hands to hammer me night and day.

please don’t live in a trailer park because i watch and get a hoot out of “trailer park boys” on tv a lot and the irony would be too much.

please don’t tell me you’re looking for a girl that your mother would want you to marry. that is a corny and pathetic line and you shouldn’t be telling that to someone you just met. plus i’m a crazy sex addict and the whole world knows this. your mother doesn’t want to know this.

please tell me what your sexual fantasies are immediately so i can work on getting the necessary costumes and lube.

please don’t try to convince me that burger king is close to a five star restaurant.

please don’t tell me the only job you’ve ever had was when you tried to open a lemonade stand, especially if that was in the past 2 months.

i only date guys that are at least 10 years older than me. if you’re 53 and thinking you don’t have a chance with me then think again. i love you.

nothing turns me on more than hearing how you’re hung like a horse and are some freak of nature that is willing to send me pics of it like every 5 minutes. if you’re packing some serious meat and feel the need to brag and show off then send them my way baby. i love it when you guys play the size card on me.

please tell me you’re really unbelievably good at “licking the pussy.” you may have been told this or received complements from previous women. they were lying but i don't care. i want you licking my pussy like right now.

if you got excited and searched for you dick pics and practically had an orgasm over hearing those last two comments then go away. i was kidding and you are sick.

you must not:
be gay
own a brooks brothers suit
have ever used the word “hottie” or “lass”
be looking for a soulmate
tell me that busch beer is the best stuff on earth
be a husband or father
email me back with abbreviations like “i’m a SWM seeking BJ’s & maybe LTR w/SXY BBW”
be worldly, i can’t stand you guys
be down with the snoop dog but live with your parents


you should have at least one of the following, i don’t care which:
be able to pamper and take care of a hypochondriac
listen to mighty mouse, or have heard of them
be a sugar daddy
be able to make love for hours or even days on end, i’m a energizer bunny when it comes to sex
have mad lovin skills

if you’re between the ages of 40-60 then please don’t disregard this, i want you now. if you’re loaded and are willing to pay my rent that would be cool because i’m about to be homeless.

please reply with some pics. and details. soon.