cat piss confession

i can’t hold the lie any longer. i need to get it out and if i don’t do it here i’ll never come clean.

i’ve been living a lie for the past two weeks. specifically to my roommates. fortunately (or unfortunately) i don’t think they read this, so i think the lie will never truly be unveiled. i don’t know if its better to live in shame or to admit the following:

there has been a complaint recently about the odor of cat piss all over our apartment. the owner of the cat has left town and we have been forced to take care of the marmot. unfortunately the cat doesn’t like its new owner(s) and we’ve attributed the massive peeing spree to him being annoyed with his new ownership. this is the story i’ve concocted and spread around for the past 2 weeks. this story is a lie.

i hate to finally say it but that is not cat piss you smell when you enter our apartment. that is my piss.

that smell in your closet? my piss
that smell on your dry cleaning? my piss
that smell on your backpack? my piss
that smell in your shoes? cat piss and my piss

i can’t help it, really. the cat did start the pissing, i will give him credit for that. but i have continued upon his brilliant idea. he started with the shoes of my roommate, which was just clever as hell. he hates my roommate and got back at her the only way he knew how. that cat is a genius when you think about it. upon hearing of this ingenious plan, i just had to laugh inside as my roommate told me of the stank.

three days later the roommate annoys the fuck out of me by not doing her dishes and i’m seeking some revenge for the lack of courteously in keeping the kitchen clean. not only this but she goes and uses the last of my coffee cream! fucked am i as i make my coffee and go to find an empty half and half in the waste. what better way to get back at her than pissing in her shoes just like the cat did? she’d never figure me for it and i’d get sweet satisfaction in being able to annoy the fuck out of her. after all, she’d deserve it.

holy burning crap on wheels did she get annoyed the first and second time i pissed on her precious shoes. and the third. until she had the smarts enough to close her door before heading to work.

now i’m annoyed when i go to relieve myself in her closet on the fourth attempt and stop myself just before releasing a steady yellow stream – did i have to open her door to get in here today? fuck! cats can’t open closed doors!

well, i couldn’t have any of that. here i was with a powerful stream of urine just begging to be released but with no place to launch it, and like hell it was going to be wasted on the toilet.

fortunately she left her dry cleaning downstairs on the couch. it took some interesting maneuvering to do it right, but i finally managed to create the perfect spot to piss in: some on the dry cleaning bag in a puddle, some just barely seeping onto the evening dress.

but now i find myself having to piss on my other roommates shit once in a while just to even things out, to make sure she doesn’t start to wonder why its just her stuff. i even piss in my room and come down the stairs really annoyed just to cover all my bases. its getting out of control, all this pissing. i now have to think every time i need to piss – is it time to piss on her door or should i piss on the kitchen rug just to play it safe?

so alas this needs to stop. its now just plain embarrassing every time i drop my shorts and piss on her pillow or chair. plus i feel for the cat, i mean he’s been taking some serious heat lately from all this pissing. the poor thing is confused as hell over what all the hatred towards him is about.

roommate..........if you read this then i’m sorry. but you should blame the cat because he’s the one who started it and got me thinking that i should do it.

cat..........if you read this then i’m really sorry. all those bad words and slaps were not meant for you and you didn’t deserve them. piss on my shit if you want, but not too much. i’ll buy you some cat nip or something. i’ll make it up. i promise.