summer of beer gets off to a bad start
smoking body. smoking body as in a smoking body. i don’t know how else to describe it. just plain smoking.
i walk into this local bar. its wednesday night after a rough day of work. i never go out on wednesday. hell, i never really go out. but i’m out. and its wednesday. and its like 6:30pm. its hot out, like stinking hot out. and its the first really hot day of the year. i’m thirsty as hell and i’ve got like 2 hours to kill before my date with hot chick. so really this is a big night for me, what with going to the bar now and going out later with hot chick. and if you count the date on sunday night then this is a big week of going out for me.
so i’m walking into this bar all thirsy and hot as hell. i’m approaching the bar and i see the bartender. holy smoking i think. this girl is just smoking hot, but i said that already once. i’m trying to play it cool as i walk up to the bar. you know the drill – looking around, not paying any attention to her, as if you’ve been there a million times before (when really its your first time), kind of sticking your chest out, got the questionable eyes kind of scoping the place out – the usual. she walks up to me at the bar, maybe because i’m the only one there cause its early, and maybe because i’ve been there like 10 minutes now just looking like a retard. so she’s walk up to me – the white t-shirt that is just bleach white, but the kind of white that you can sort of see-through, short enough to ride about 3 inches off the waist and a little tight just about everywhere. its a casual bar so she’s got the tan shorts on, the kind that look like the color of your skin when you have a really nice tan going on, which she happens to have. she’s got on the sandals. and as for everything else – she doesn’t look to be wearing much jewelry and probably no make-up, the hair is light blond pulled back in a ponytail and her body, well, it was just smokin.
right, so she has now made her final approach and she’s standing right in front of me. i don’t order beer that much, but you would think i’d recall at least the name of a beer to order at this point. i don’t. i’m not kidding. i’m sitting there like a frigging retard. this is the summer of beer for me, the summer i start drinking again, the first night back on the booze and i can’t recall a single name of a beer to save my life. the smoking body has disrupted my entire brain and the only thing i remember is to look like a retard for the next 10 seconds. what doesn’t help me at this point. what doesn’t help me is that there isn’t a tap anywhere near me. what doesn’t help me is that i can’t see a single beer sign in the entire place. what doesn’t help me is that nobody else is sitting at the bar with a beer in front of them for me to look at. i’ve got all signs of retard pointing right at me as i search my brain for a name. then i remember that i used to like i.p.a.’s. jackpot! so i tell her i’ll have whatever i.p.a. they carry as i wipe the buckets of sweat off my forehead. disaster averted. she’s grabbing the glass and i hear her say something to me. i think to myself that i must be in heaven, she’s talking to me! she’s asking me a question! this smoking chick is right at this moment asking me a question! life does not get any better. it just gets a lot worse – turns out what she was asking was if i had an id. this doesn’t seem like a big deal all of a sudden and i’m kind of let down. my dreams are shattered as i reach for the wallet. but i keep reaching and sticking my hand all the way down my fucking empty wallet-less pocket. the beer has been poured at this point and it sits there about 12 inches away from me on the counter in front of her as she waits for my id. i’ve got this creeping smile on my face, the kind that says oh-god-please-you-know-i’m-21-and-you’ll-never-believe-it-but-i-forgot-my-wallet kind of face. she’s just as clueless as i am at this point. i mean, she knows i’m 21, she just has to card me anyway. and she doesn’t want to be put in an uncomfortable situation of denying me the beer after she’s poured it and its sitting right there sweat rolling down the side and everything. but she goes there. she smiles and as soon as she does i can’t hear a word she says. i’m looking at the smile and i just can’t for the life of me understand anything else at that moment. i see that her lips are moving but no words are registering with me. the smile has me fixated. then she has stopped talking and puts on the face where she just formed a question she wants answered. so now i answer her question that i never heard one word of – “uh, i guess i’ll have a coke then.” this was clearly not the right answer. i know it wasn’t the right answer because her face went from smiling to confused concern almost immediately. and she just continues to stand there waiting for the right answer to her question. after she waits long enough to realize i didn’t hear a word she spoke she comes out with the following: “i said i would give you the beer anyway if you could tell me your birth date and what year you graduated from high school. i mean, i can tell you’re 21, i just have to at least pretend like i’ve tried. you are 21, right?” um right, so she didn’t just ask me if i wanted anything else, and i just happened to pick the one thing that could make me look even stupider. a total fucking moron is me. i think for about 1 second if i should try to explain to her that i was briefly mesmerized by her smoking body as she asked me the question, but i had already looked bad enough trying to tell her i forgot my wallet and wanted a coke instead of knowing what my birth date was. i was in the hole already and didn’t want to dig further.
i mean come on, do women ever understand these kind of situations? don’t they realize that their beauty has a profound affect on the way we speak and act? don’t they know that if they have a really smoking body and unbelievable smiles that we’ll never be able to form a sentence when they speak to us? somebody needs to tell them this! give us a break already! you know we’re mystified because of your beauty now just pretend you don’t notice! give yourself a little smile or laugh inside and keep talking to us regular on the outside. we’ll eventually be able to catch on and form complete sentences again. in like an hour.
fortunately she just slides the beer across the counter and walks away, no idea what the expression was on her face.
you’ve never seen a beer drunk faster than the one in front of me. i finished it in lighting speed, not the kind of first beer of the summer kind of drink i was looking for, and headed out the door after leaving a bill on the counter (i carry my money in a money clip, not in the forgotten wallet). not quite as peaceful and relaxing as i had hoped for, but then again i had my date with hot chick coming up in less than 2 hours. all hope for a good night was not lost.
i walk into this local bar. its wednesday night after a rough day of work. i never go out on wednesday. hell, i never really go out. but i’m out. and its wednesday. and its like 6:30pm. its hot out, like stinking hot out. and its the first really hot day of the year. i’m thirsty as hell and i’ve got like 2 hours to kill before my date with hot chick. so really this is a big night for me, what with going to the bar now and going out later with hot chick. and if you count the date on sunday night then this is a big week of going out for me.
so i’m walking into this bar all thirsy and hot as hell. i’m approaching the bar and i see the bartender. holy smoking i think. this girl is just smoking hot, but i said that already once. i’m trying to play it cool as i walk up to the bar. you know the drill – looking around, not paying any attention to her, as if you’ve been there a million times before (when really its your first time), kind of sticking your chest out, got the questionable eyes kind of scoping the place out – the usual. she walks up to me at the bar, maybe because i’m the only one there cause its early, and maybe because i’ve been there like 10 minutes now just looking like a retard. so she’s walk up to me – the white t-shirt that is just bleach white, but the kind of white that you can sort of see-through, short enough to ride about 3 inches off the waist and a little tight just about everywhere. its a casual bar so she’s got the tan shorts on, the kind that look like the color of your skin when you have a really nice tan going on, which she happens to have. she’s got on the sandals. and as for everything else – she doesn’t look to be wearing much jewelry and probably no make-up, the hair is light blond pulled back in a ponytail and her body, well, it was just smokin.
right, so she has now made her final approach and she’s standing right in front of me. i don’t order beer that much, but you would think i’d recall at least the name of a beer to order at this point. i don’t. i’m not kidding. i’m sitting there like a frigging retard. this is the summer of beer for me, the summer i start drinking again, the first night back on the booze and i can’t recall a single name of a beer to save my life. the smoking body has disrupted my entire brain and the only thing i remember is to look like a retard for the next 10 seconds. what doesn’t help me at this point. what doesn’t help me is that there isn’t a tap anywhere near me. what doesn’t help me is that i can’t see a single beer sign in the entire place. what doesn’t help me is that nobody else is sitting at the bar with a beer in front of them for me to look at. i’ve got all signs of retard pointing right at me as i search my brain for a name. then i remember that i used to like i.p.a.’s. jackpot! so i tell her i’ll have whatever i.p.a. they carry as i wipe the buckets of sweat off my forehead. disaster averted. she’s grabbing the glass and i hear her say something to me. i think to myself that i must be in heaven, she’s talking to me! she’s asking me a question! this smoking chick is right at this moment asking me a question! life does not get any better. it just gets a lot worse – turns out what she was asking was if i had an id. this doesn’t seem like a big deal all of a sudden and i’m kind of let down. my dreams are shattered as i reach for the wallet. but i keep reaching and sticking my hand all the way down my fucking empty wallet-less pocket. the beer has been poured at this point and it sits there about 12 inches away from me on the counter in front of her as she waits for my id. i’ve got this creeping smile on my face, the kind that says oh-god-please-you-know-i’m-21-and-you’ll-never-believe-it-but-i-forgot-my-wallet kind of face. she’s just as clueless as i am at this point. i mean, she knows i’m 21, she just has to card me anyway. and she doesn’t want to be put in an uncomfortable situation of denying me the beer after she’s poured it and its sitting right there sweat rolling down the side and everything. but she goes there. she smiles and as soon as she does i can’t hear a word she says. i’m looking at the smile and i just can’t for the life of me understand anything else at that moment. i see that her lips are moving but no words are registering with me. the smile has me fixated. then she has stopped talking and puts on the face where she just formed a question she wants answered. so now i answer her question that i never heard one word of – “uh, i guess i’ll have a coke then.” this was clearly not the right answer. i know it wasn’t the right answer because her face went from smiling to confused concern almost immediately. and she just continues to stand there waiting for the right answer to her question. after she waits long enough to realize i didn’t hear a word she spoke she comes out with the following: “i said i would give you the beer anyway if you could tell me your birth date and what year you graduated from high school. i mean, i can tell you’re 21, i just have to at least pretend like i’ve tried. you are 21, right?” um right, so she didn’t just ask me if i wanted anything else, and i just happened to pick the one thing that could make me look even stupider. a total fucking moron is me. i think for about 1 second if i should try to explain to her that i was briefly mesmerized by her smoking body as she asked me the question, but i had already looked bad enough trying to tell her i forgot my wallet and wanted a coke instead of knowing what my birth date was. i was in the hole already and didn’t want to dig further.
i mean come on, do women ever understand these kind of situations? don’t they realize that their beauty has a profound affect on the way we speak and act? don’t they know that if they have a really smoking body and unbelievable smiles that we’ll never be able to form a sentence when they speak to us? somebody needs to tell them this! give us a break already! you know we’re mystified because of your beauty now just pretend you don’t notice! give yourself a little smile or laugh inside and keep talking to us regular on the outside. we’ll eventually be able to catch on and form complete sentences again. in like an hour.
fortunately she just slides the beer across the counter and walks away, no idea what the expression was on her face.
you’ve never seen a beer drunk faster than the one in front of me. i finished it in lighting speed, not the kind of first beer of the summer kind of drink i was looking for, and headed out the door after leaving a bill on the counter (i carry my money in a money clip, not in the forgotten wallet). not quite as peaceful and relaxing as i had hoped for, but then again i had my date with hot chick coming up in less than 2 hours. all hope for a good night was not lost.
thrown together by raz at 3:42 PM
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