random things that i've heard or overheard this past week or so:

“turns out he’s pretty much a spaz – so i went ahead and had sex with him a few more times”

“yeah, i finally got my license, and it only took my 4 tries!”

“the thing about owning dogs in the city is that they shit a lot”

“yeah but i wore all this cleavage today just for you”

“um, guys? i pissed my pants on the way home from the bar just now. but it’s raining out so i figured it was ok and nobody would notice”

“thanks for the fuck, i’ll see you later”