gay men always approaching me
i’ve got time to tell you about just one right now. don’t ask for others even if you know i have shit loads more i could tell.
if you compare the amount of men that have hit on me to the amount of women i’ve slept with you’d come up with something like 20/1. except i’m not lying.
what i’ve got is this big annoying “i’m gay and love it up the ass” sign tattooed to my forehead every time i walk around harvard square. i know this to be true because:
a) every gay dude within a 20 mile radius comes running at me with their dick in their hands, drool on their chins, and fuck-me-now eyes.b) no woman has ever even looked at me. ever. they see the tattoo and immediately find something to look at in the complete opposite direction.
so now that you know how this happens.
i’m in the square today getting my lunch, and as i’m walking by the hoards of college girls that are looking up at the sky or down at the ground i see this dude that i used to know in college. he’s the only person who has made eye contact with me so far, so even if i didn’t know him already i’d know he was gay.
we both used to work at a video store in college. not once did we ever work the same shift though, and i’m not sure how that happened. none the less, we’d say hi to each other when we saw each other on campus or whatever. one time he left his shock treatment soundtrack at work. i didn’t know it was his so i stole it and gave it a listen. it was good but not awesome so i brought it back to work and left it somewhere. he comes into the store to pick up his check and finds the cd moments later. this is when he starts asking the whole store what part of the fucking sky it just fell from. i admit it was me and he just leaves, very upset. later that night he gives me a call in my apartment:
gay dude: listen, sorry i was so upset about the cd today, i’d just been looking for it forever and was pissed i lost it or someone stole it.
raz: yeah, no, i’m sorry for taking it and not asking, i didn’t even know it was yours.
gay dude: well, no hard feelings ok? i’m happy to have it back. did you like it?
raz: some of it was good, the rest sucked my ass (maybe that’s what i wanted to say).
couple minutes of bullshitting goes by about the album.
gay dude: isn’t it odd that we’ve worked at the same store for like 3 months and have never had a shift together?
raz: bla bla bla
couple minutes of more bullshitting goes by about bullshit.
gay dude: so, like, maybe we should get together sometime and watch a movie or something.
raz: yeah, that sounds good.
gay dude: like this weekend?
raz: um, well, sure!
lots of silence as i think that we both don’t know how to end the conversation and that the previous bit was never going to actually happen.
gay dude: well, come to think of it, my roommate isn’t here right now if you want to come over. he actually won’t even be back tonight.
hmm, now the raz is thinking to himself that something may be a bit odd about that last sentence. 1) he didn’t mention a movie like before. 2) we don’t really know each other past the video store and the shock treatment album. 3) his roommate is gone and somehow it will be a good thing that he’s not coming back tonight.
fortunately his next comment clears everything up:
gay dude: so, you are gay, right?
raz: ah! there we go, i was wondering why what you just said didn’t make any sense! no, sorry, i’m not. and sorry if i led you to think i was.
bla bla bla and we hang up. i quit the video store like 3 days later, though not because of him (although another good story for another day).
yeah, so now he works in harvard square and i see him from time to time. the first time we stopped and chatted for like a minute before we realized we never really used to know each other to begin with.
today i see him again for the first time in a long time. he almost doesn’t recognize me but then does and almost stops walking to say hi. unfortunately for him i’ve made no attempt to stop, but i kind of say “how’s it going” as i keep walking. “oh shit, he stopped and wanted to talk” i think to myself when i pass him. i can’t look back now.
its always awkward to be hit on by men when you’re not gay. i almost feel bad. and i almost feel like i’m the one who’s having the most awkward time with the situation. shouldn’t they be the ones who are nervous and all scared and awkward like? why are they so bold and brave when hitting on a complete stranger? – especially when they don’t even know for sure if the stranger is even gay!
anyway, the college gay dude is the only one that i would imagine feels more awkward than me whenever we see each other, which makes me feel a little better.
if you compare the amount of men that have hit on me to the amount of women i’ve slept with you’d come up with something like 20/1. except i’m not lying.
what i’ve got is this big annoying “i’m gay and love it up the ass” sign tattooed to my forehead every time i walk around harvard square. i know this to be true because:
a) every gay dude within a 20 mile radius comes running at me with their dick in their hands, drool on their chins, and fuck-me-now eyes.b) no woman has ever even looked at me. ever. they see the tattoo and immediately find something to look at in the complete opposite direction.
so now that you know how this happens.
i’m in the square today getting my lunch, and as i’m walking by the hoards of college girls that are looking up at the sky or down at the ground i see this dude that i used to know in college. he’s the only person who has made eye contact with me so far, so even if i didn’t know him already i’d know he was gay.
we both used to work at a video store in college. not once did we ever work the same shift though, and i’m not sure how that happened. none the less, we’d say hi to each other when we saw each other on campus or whatever. one time he left his shock treatment soundtrack at work. i didn’t know it was his so i stole it and gave it a listen. it was good but not awesome so i brought it back to work and left it somewhere. he comes into the store to pick up his check and finds the cd moments later. this is when he starts asking the whole store what part of the fucking sky it just fell from. i admit it was me and he just leaves, very upset. later that night he gives me a call in my apartment:
gay dude: listen, sorry i was so upset about the cd today, i’d just been looking for it forever and was pissed i lost it or someone stole it.
raz: yeah, no, i’m sorry for taking it and not asking, i didn’t even know it was yours.
gay dude: well, no hard feelings ok? i’m happy to have it back. did you like it?
raz: some of it was good, the rest sucked my ass (maybe that’s what i wanted to say).
couple minutes of bullshitting goes by about the album.
gay dude: isn’t it odd that we’ve worked at the same store for like 3 months and have never had a shift together?
raz: bla bla bla
couple minutes of more bullshitting goes by about bullshit.
gay dude: so, like, maybe we should get together sometime and watch a movie or something.
raz: yeah, that sounds good.
gay dude: like this weekend?
raz: um, well, sure!
lots of silence as i think that we both don’t know how to end the conversation and that the previous bit was never going to actually happen.
gay dude: well, come to think of it, my roommate isn’t here right now if you want to come over. he actually won’t even be back tonight.
hmm, now the raz is thinking to himself that something may be a bit odd about that last sentence. 1) he didn’t mention a movie like before. 2) we don’t really know each other past the video store and the shock treatment album. 3) his roommate is gone and somehow it will be a good thing that he’s not coming back tonight.
fortunately his next comment clears everything up:
gay dude: so, you are gay, right?
raz: ah! there we go, i was wondering why what you just said didn’t make any sense! no, sorry, i’m not. and sorry if i led you to think i was.
bla bla bla and we hang up. i quit the video store like 3 days later, though not because of him (although another good story for another day).
yeah, so now he works in harvard square and i see him from time to time. the first time we stopped and chatted for like a minute before we realized we never really used to know each other to begin with.
today i see him again for the first time in a long time. he almost doesn’t recognize me but then does and almost stops walking to say hi. unfortunately for him i’ve made no attempt to stop, but i kind of say “how’s it going” as i keep walking. “oh shit, he stopped and wanted to talk” i think to myself when i pass him. i can’t look back now.
its always awkward to be hit on by men when you’re not gay. i almost feel bad. and i almost feel like i’m the one who’s having the most awkward time with the situation. shouldn’t they be the ones who are nervous and all scared and awkward like? why are they so bold and brave when hitting on a complete stranger? – especially when they don’t even know for sure if the stranger is even gay!
anyway, the college gay dude is the only one that i would imagine feels more awkward than me whenever we see each other, which makes me feel a little better.
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