convenience store nightmares

you’re glad you were not a candy bar that was in our kitchen last night at about 3am, trust me.

its 2:30am on a tuesday night. i went to bed at like 12:30. i’m now lying on my back just awaking from a nightmare. it was the usual nightmare i have, and it mainly involved candy and a convenience store (usually the mobile station from my hometown in VT). usually the candy/convenience store nightmares go something like this:

i finish putting gas in my car, and its at night sometime. i’m going inside to pay because i never pay at the pump. paying at the pump is for retards who like to save time. i decide to cruise the candy isle for a bit until i can find the reeses pieces. while i’m doing this there is this busload of people that walks into the store and just gets in line behind the register. they all want to buy like a million scratch tickets and lots of cigarettes. i just stand there and don’t know what to do. i’m standing. i’m looking at this hoard of people just lining up and lining up and lining up. all that lining up and won’t they stop lining up already! i just freak. i freak in that i just stand there even longer telling myself to move. but you know how dreams are, everything is in slow motion. so now i’m starting towards the end of the line but i just can’t seem to get there. and all this time we see more and more people lining up and before i know it another bus has pulled in. i’m moving at the pace of a dead man, i’m making no progress on the getting in line bit. every step i take the line gets like 20 people longer. i’m crying now because i need to pay for my gas and i have these reeses pieces in my hand that i just need to eat. i need this candy like its the last food on earth, i’ve got a craving like you wouldn’t believe. and there i am in the slow-motion nightmare-like world where lines at the register just keep getting longer and longer and you can’t seem to get in line behind anyone and you can’t just start eating the damn candy because that’s what nightmares make you think. my convenience store nightmares are like this every time.

but you always wake up. and i did. but everytime i wake up from these nightmares it takes me awhile to convince myself that i’m not in the dream anymore. i have to tell myself that there is no bag of reeses pieces in my hand. then i have to check and make sure. once i find out i’m right i crave candy like crazy. so i jump out of bed and race downstairs like there’s a fire and i need to get out like 10 minutes ago. i’m in front of the refrigerator in like 5 seconds flat. i’ve got cupboard doors flying open, cereal boxes that are flung to the floor in search of some sort of chocolate hidden way back there. i’ve spilled somebody’s splenda all over the counter. i’ve just flung a bag of oats over my head. our cat just came down to investigate the madness in the kitchen. he doesn’t know where the candy bars are either but i keep asking him anyway. then its found. one of my roommates has hidden a pathetic looking, half-eaten, piece of shit low-carb, high-ass, no-calorie, no-sugar, no-good, dark chocolate bar of fuck way back in the corner. but right now it looks like heaven to me, nothing else in the world could be more valuable to me at this moment. seconds after consuming the bar of chocolate i decide fudge straight from the jar might be a good idea. and it was. the cat is just sitting on the floor completely appalled at what he’s watching, which is why i start to clean up and head back to bed.

trying to fall asleep after consuming that much fudge and that much low-carb is not easy. i’m wide awake from the sugar in the fudge, and i’m farting like a madman from all that low-carb consumption. i’m blowing the covers clear off the bed with these farts. but at least i can feel good about not having to make a mad dash to the store 24 just down the street for my fix. i never want it to come to that. but lord help me if i did and there was a line for the register clear out the door when i got there.