bank error not in my favor
so i went to the bank today. this sounds simple to you but when living on an island this is a huge task involving an incredible amount of patience and time, but mostly luck.
first this involves making sure it is a weekday between the hours of 10am - 3pm.
second you must make sure it is not a monday, thursday or friday (monday is business banking day and friday all the migrant workers that work construction cash their checks and wire money back home, thursdays of course all the employers of these workers are depositing payroll money to cover the checks being cashed on friday). as a side note there are thousands of migrant workers and illegal aliens that work here, meaning the lines at the bank and western union snake out the door and down the streets.
now that you've found yourself on a tuesday or wednesday you're almost in the clear. time to check the bank holiday schedule. you're probably thinking "what holiday would be mid-week?" - well, you have a lot to learn about island holidays. we are not a part of the united states, though i do find it nice that we celebrate the same holidays - july 4th, xmas, new years etc. the problem is that we also seem to celebrate every other holiday known to human kind - we close everything down for holidays like emancipation day, three kings day, d. hamilton jackson day, childrens' carnival parade day, adults carnival parade day, boxing day, united nations day, revolutions day, don't feel like working day, and any other day the governor feels like it. there are some weeks where banks and businesses are closed for the entire week for random holidays. those of you with the pointless knowledge of knowing that it is illegal to close an FDIC insured bank for more than 3 days can stay quiet - we're talking about the virgin islands, nothing is insured down here - especially banks.
so you've found yourself on a wednesday morning with no holidays. great! lets go! - oh but wait one fuck, you just remember that on wednesdays during the summer (isn't it always summer here) the banks close at 12:30. and when i say "banks" i mean that in the smallest plural sense possible. we have 2 banks on the island.
unfortunately today is a day that i need to visit both banks, as we have a business account at one and a checking account at another (the reasoning for this could never be explained in less than 1 million words). however, the first bank i need to visit (conveniently and appropriately named 1st Bank) has what can only be described as the most amazing piece of technology ever brought to our island - a business deposit machine. the machine usually works, and is no more than 40 years old. please note that i did not say "atm" - both banks do have them, but unfortunately this island is not ready for that sort of technology as they never have any money, and when they have no money they shut down, and when they shut down you cannot make regular deposits. now, interestingly enough i'm the only person that owns a business on this island that has figured out how to use this business deposit machine.
typical transaction of mine: upon entering the bank i take about 5 seconds to enjoy the a/c and count how many people are standing in lines for a teller (usually easy as there is never more than 1 teller). i'll then put my deposit slip and envelope in the deposit machine (already filled out), let the machine stamp my slip and turn around to leave (all in maybe another 5 seconds). now, keep in mind this is an old machine with a slot to put your deposit and a stamper (nothing digital), and it tends to make a very loud "thump!" when it stamps. also keep in mind that people standing in line have nothing better to do than watch what someone who isn't standing in line is doing just 4 feet away from them, especially when there are loud thumps! the facial expression on all 15 people in line is "wait a minute i've been here 20 minutes! and he's been here 10 seconds! and he's done! and he didn't even have to wait! and!" upon exiting the bank i'll sometimes peer back in just to see how antsy the line gets, or to see if anyone tries to learn what i've just done. hee hee.
with my business banking accomplished at 1st bank i know proceed to scotia bank. my goal for today is to open a saving account. simple right? on the streets of cambridge i can remember opening an account in 10 minutes on my lunch break with just my drivers license. the process here is slightly different. slightly.
i started my quest for a savings account over 2 years ago, and today i think i've finally gathered everything needed. i've been to a teller to ask what is needed to open an account approximately 15 times in 2 years. before you call me crazy consider this:
1) i don't have that bad of a memory.
2) they do not hand out a checklist of all the items needed.
3) each teller has a different idea of what is needed, omitting and adding documents depending on the day or teller you ask - some days i found myself saying to the teller "so you don't need a birth certificate anymore?" teller:"oh, no you need dat too you know" (as if it were obvious).
so today i have with me 15 items of identification and various sorts of letters and awards and shit that is needed to open my account. i know i won't need them all but i feel confident that within these 15 items are the 9 or so that are actually needed. i have my passport, my virgin islands drivers license, my U.S. drivers license (which is illegal to have if you have a V.I. license, but since we're dealing with a canadian bank they either don't care or don't know its illegal - and either way they must have both), social security card, birth certificate (raised seal, not a photocopy), proof of mailing address (2), proof of physical address (2), proof of employment for at least 3 months, minimum $500 (cash only), a letter explaining how you promise them your first born child if its a male, and for extra measure i've brought my V.I. health card.
when i finally get to a teller i explain how i'd like to apply for a saving account. she promptly tells me no, as is custom for any question you ever ask a local west indian. teller: "you need to come back wid every'ting on dis list" and hands me a list. obviously i'm elated that they have finally created a list! but i'm even more excited with what i'm about to do next, as it is a secret enjoyment of mine to get the upper hand of a local west indian trying to best me (which doesn't happen often and this game takes many attempts and many failures as they are very good at making you feel about 2 inches tall). i respond after a brief review of the list with "yes, i have all of those items." she now thinks we're playing a game and tells me that i don't have everything, and even gives a slight laugh. its me that is smiling and her that is starting to get worried as i start to take items out of various pockets (part of my disguise) and set them on the counter. i can see her eyes getting bigger and a worried expression as she starts to realize that maybe i do have everything in order. she even tells me (quite frankly and very quietly) that she's very surprised and very impressed. yes! i've won! until she tells me to go take a seat. i've been in the islands long enough to know that when someone tells you to take a seat (especially in a bank) you're in for a long wait. there is nothing the locals love doing more than making people like me wait.
after an incredibly short wait (1 hour) i'm called into the back office. during my wait i watch as a new resident tries to do what i'm doing today, he fails miserably and the same teller gets her satisfaction from berating him about how it needs to be a raised seal birth certificate. she then looks at me and smiles.
now, please understand that through this same bank i already have a shared personal checking account with my brother (even longer story). also understand that i have an outstanding loan for our business through this bank. obviously NONE of the information for the previous accounts can be simply transferred to start a new account, which is why it has taken 2 years.
the officer helping me is very courteous and even calls me "sir" the entire time. i'm also given a toy brain teaser game to play after 20 minutes of sitting there watching him type things into his computer. even though none of my previous information can be used to open a new account i'm still asked at every new computer prompt if i want to keep my old info. unfortunately they have really old information that has been corrected by my brother and myself about a hundred times already. they've never actually bothered to correct the information on any of these hundred times, as evidenced by our previous employer calling us every month and telling us they have our bank statement (why they send statements to a place of work illustrates a clear picture of how ridiculous they really are). officer: "you still live at abraham fancy?" me: "no, my new address is on one of the two proofs of address i've brought today." officer: "you still have the same mailing address as before?" me: "no, please refer to the 2 that i've brought today"
20 minutes later the brain teaser game is solved. about this time he tells me we're "getting close." and we are now at the worst possible time in the entire process for the power to go out...... so it does. sadly neither of us are surprised, as this happens all the time down here. even worse is that scotia bank does not have its own backup generator that kicks on when the power goes out. worse still is that they have yet to invest or even know about those nifty little computer backup devices that let your computer stay on during a power outage. going even further into the worse still category is that i now try to start a conversation while sitting alone in the dark just to eliminate awkwardness. now, to appreciate this "conversation" you have to understand that local west indians can at times be very frank and very short in answers. i know there will be no actual talking during this power outage, which just makes the situation all the more awkward. regardless i have to try: "so this would be a good time to rob the bank, huh?" so while i want to discuss how perfect it would be to rob the place he just replies "sure would." and there we sit perfectly quietly for what seemed like eternity, just waiting for the power to come back. it was back 30 seconds later.
after 2 1/2 hours at the bank i was back to where i started before i even walked in. taking giant steps backwards prior to making a step forward is a very common situation here. the officer explained that he'd now fill everything out on paper and then transfer it into the computer on a "better day." apparently he was superstitious about trying it again today. for this i didn't have to be there and he told me i could leave - this left me in yet another awkward position: i was positive nothing would be correct if i left, as i had little confidence in him getting everything right when i was sitting with him earlier.
my attempts at telling him i didn't mind staying failed, and i left the bank with my $500 cash sitting on his desk and no saving account in my name. somehow i don't even mind though, you can't set the expectation bar too high here on st. john.
on a related note: http://www.onepaper.com/stjohnvi/?v=d&i=&s=News:Local&p=1201845721
next time on razyboy.com: no really, dealing drugs becomes sophisticated on this island
first this involves making sure it is a weekday between the hours of 10am - 3pm.
second you must make sure it is not a monday, thursday or friday (monday is business banking day and friday all the migrant workers that work construction cash their checks and wire money back home, thursdays of course all the employers of these workers are depositing payroll money to cover the checks being cashed on friday). as a side note there are thousands of migrant workers and illegal aliens that work here, meaning the lines at the bank and western union snake out the door and down the streets.
now that you've found yourself on a tuesday or wednesday you're almost in the clear. time to check the bank holiday schedule. you're probably thinking "what holiday would be mid-week?" - well, you have a lot to learn about island holidays. we are not a part of the united states, though i do find it nice that we celebrate the same holidays - july 4th, xmas, new years etc. the problem is that we also seem to celebrate every other holiday known to human kind - we close everything down for holidays like emancipation day, three kings day, d. hamilton jackson day, childrens' carnival parade day, adults carnival parade day, boxing day, united nations day, revolutions day, don't feel like working day, and any other day the governor feels like it. there are some weeks where banks and businesses are closed for the entire week for random holidays. those of you with the pointless knowledge of knowing that it is illegal to close an FDIC insured bank for more than 3 days can stay quiet - we're talking about the virgin islands, nothing is insured down here - especially banks.
so you've found yourself on a wednesday morning with no holidays. great! lets go! - oh but wait one fuck, you just remember that on wednesdays during the summer (isn't it always summer here) the banks close at 12:30. and when i say "banks" i mean that in the smallest plural sense possible. we have 2 banks on the island.
unfortunately today is a day that i need to visit both banks, as we have a business account at one and a checking account at another (the reasoning for this could never be explained in less than 1 million words). however, the first bank i need to visit (conveniently and appropriately named 1st Bank) has what can only be described as the most amazing piece of technology ever brought to our island - a business deposit machine. the machine usually works, and is no more than 40 years old. please note that i did not say "atm" - both banks do have them, but unfortunately this island is not ready for that sort of technology as they never have any money, and when they have no money they shut down, and when they shut down you cannot make regular deposits. now, interestingly enough i'm the only person that owns a business on this island that has figured out how to use this business deposit machine.
typical transaction of mine: upon entering the bank i take about 5 seconds to enjoy the a/c and count how many people are standing in lines for a teller (usually easy as there is never more than 1 teller). i'll then put my deposit slip and envelope in the deposit machine (already filled out), let the machine stamp my slip and turn around to leave (all in maybe another 5 seconds). now, keep in mind this is an old machine with a slot to put your deposit and a stamper (nothing digital), and it tends to make a very loud "thump!" when it stamps. also keep in mind that people standing in line have nothing better to do than watch what someone who isn't standing in line is doing just 4 feet away from them, especially when there are loud thumps! the facial expression on all 15 people in line is "wait a minute i've been here 20 minutes! and he's been here 10 seconds! and he's done! and he didn't even have to wait! and!" upon exiting the bank i'll sometimes peer back in just to see how antsy the line gets, or to see if anyone tries to learn what i've just done. hee hee.
with my business banking accomplished at 1st bank i know proceed to scotia bank. my goal for today is to open a saving account. simple right? on the streets of cambridge i can remember opening an account in 10 minutes on my lunch break with just my drivers license. the process here is slightly different. slightly.
i started my quest for a savings account over 2 years ago, and today i think i've finally gathered everything needed. i've been to a teller to ask what is needed to open an account approximately 15 times in 2 years. before you call me crazy consider this:
1) i don't have that bad of a memory.
2) they do not hand out a checklist of all the items needed.
3) each teller has a different idea of what is needed, omitting and adding documents depending on the day or teller you ask - some days i found myself saying to the teller "so you don't need a birth certificate anymore?" teller:"oh, no you need dat too you know" (as if it were obvious).
so today i have with me 15 items of identification and various sorts of letters and awards and shit that is needed to open my account. i know i won't need them all but i feel confident that within these 15 items are the 9 or so that are actually needed. i have my passport, my virgin islands drivers license, my U.S. drivers license (which is illegal to have if you have a V.I. license, but since we're dealing with a canadian bank they either don't care or don't know its illegal - and either way they must have both), social security card, birth certificate (raised seal, not a photocopy), proof of mailing address (2), proof of physical address (2), proof of employment for at least 3 months, minimum $500 (cash only), a letter explaining how you promise them your first born child if its a male, and for extra measure i've brought my V.I. health card.
when i finally get to a teller i explain how i'd like to apply for a saving account. she promptly tells me no, as is custom for any question you ever ask a local west indian. teller: "you need to come back wid every'ting on dis list" and hands me a list. obviously i'm elated that they have finally created a list! but i'm even more excited with what i'm about to do next, as it is a secret enjoyment of mine to get the upper hand of a local west indian trying to best me (which doesn't happen often and this game takes many attempts and many failures as they are very good at making you feel about 2 inches tall). i respond after a brief review of the list with "yes, i have all of those items." she now thinks we're playing a game and tells me that i don't have everything, and even gives a slight laugh. its me that is smiling and her that is starting to get worried as i start to take items out of various pockets (part of my disguise) and set them on the counter. i can see her eyes getting bigger and a worried expression as she starts to realize that maybe i do have everything in order. she even tells me (quite frankly and very quietly) that she's very surprised and very impressed. yes! i've won! until she tells me to go take a seat. i've been in the islands long enough to know that when someone tells you to take a seat (especially in a bank) you're in for a long wait. there is nothing the locals love doing more than making people like me wait.
after an incredibly short wait (1 hour) i'm called into the back office. during my wait i watch as a new resident tries to do what i'm doing today, he fails miserably and the same teller gets her satisfaction from berating him about how it needs to be a raised seal birth certificate. she then looks at me and smiles.
now, please understand that through this same bank i already have a shared personal checking account with my brother (even longer story). also understand that i have an outstanding loan for our business through this bank. obviously NONE of the information for the previous accounts can be simply transferred to start a new account, which is why it has taken 2 years.
the officer helping me is very courteous and even calls me "sir" the entire time. i'm also given a toy brain teaser game to play after 20 minutes of sitting there watching him type things into his computer. even though none of my previous information can be used to open a new account i'm still asked at every new computer prompt if i want to keep my old info. unfortunately they have really old information that has been corrected by my brother and myself about a hundred times already. they've never actually bothered to correct the information on any of these hundred times, as evidenced by our previous employer calling us every month and telling us they have our bank statement (why they send statements to a place of work illustrates a clear picture of how ridiculous they really are). officer: "you still live at abraham fancy?" me: "no, my new address is on one of the two proofs of address i've brought today." officer: "you still have the same mailing address as before?" me: "no, please refer to the 2 that i've brought today"
20 minutes later the brain teaser game is solved. about this time he tells me we're "getting close." and we are now at the worst possible time in the entire process for the power to go out...... so it does. sadly neither of us are surprised, as this happens all the time down here. even worse is that scotia bank does not have its own backup generator that kicks on when the power goes out. worse still is that they have yet to invest or even know about those nifty little computer backup devices that let your computer stay on during a power outage. going even further into the worse still category is that i now try to start a conversation while sitting alone in the dark just to eliminate awkwardness. now, to appreciate this "conversation" you have to understand that local west indians can at times be very frank and very short in answers. i know there will be no actual talking during this power outage, which just makes the situation all the more awkward. regardless i have to try: "so this would be a good time to rob the bank, huh?" so while i want to discuss how perfect it would be to rob the place he just replies "sure would." and there we sit perfectly quietly for what seemed like eternity, just waiting for the power to come back. it was back 30 seconds later.
after 2 1/2 hours at the bank i was back to where i started before i even walked in. taking giant steps backwards prior to making a step forward is a very common situation here. the officer explained that he'd now fill everything out on paper and then transfer it into the computer on a "better day." apparently he was superstitious about trying it again today. for this i didn't have to be there and he told me i could leave - this left me in yet another awkward position: i was positive nothing would be correct if i left, as i had little confidence in him getting everything right when i was sitting with him earlier.
my attempts at telling him i didn't mind staying failed, and i left the bank with my $500 cash sitting on his desk and no saving account in my name. somehow i don't even mind though, you can't set the expectation bar too high here on st. john.
on a related note: http://www.onepaper.com/stjohnvi/?v=d&i=&s=News:Local&p=1201845721
next time on razyboy.com: no really, dealing drugs becomes sophisticated on this island
thrown together by raz at 10:34 AM
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